Finally, A Weather Pattern Change!

I will be watching this storm, and praying to God it’s not like the last couple, and I don’t want my friends to worry. And I want to go to my Dr’s appointments, yes I know I’m weird but I said I want to go to my Dr’s appointments. So I hope the one next tuesday is not coming! However unfortunately it probably is. Unfortunately all of the US and all of Canada is going to continue to have a bad winter. God I hope winter is over soon!!

Beyond The Studio

For the last 2 or 3 weeks it seems like all I have been saying on the air is, clipper followed by cold, clipper followed by cold and REPEAT! Well, that is about to change thanks to our friend, the Jet Stream!

The pattern we have been in has seen a large trough or dip in the jet stream over the Eastern half of the US. This allows for VERY COLD air to invade from the north and has also created a sort of steering mechanism for storm systems to move in out of the northwest. This northwest flow brought us seemingly countless clipper systems over the past 3 weeks.

By the end of the week this pattern will undergo a shift. Instead of seeing this trough on the East coast, the jet will lift north and creating the beginnings of a trough on the west coast, this will create…

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Beautiful Mind Rough Draft….by Jonathan Lee Craft 9/17/14

Something I cannot stand is being criticized over and over again for something I cannot control or being talked about behind my back.  For people that do not know me.  They call me Radar because I can hear people talking about me when they are totally in a different room with no door to separate the rooms.  Sometimes I even hear them clear across the house.  This is driving me insane so much my blood is boiling.  I wish my hearing was not that acute.  Because even some of the common household noises that no one else hears, I hear.  For example, when I really pay attention I hear when the heater kicks on.  When you hit the “On” button for the TV, I can hear that click.  It is getting worse as the TV’s advance.  So please pray for me that I don’t blow up on my supporting caregivers.  Like I did tonight.  So please pray that I have patience with all who I come in contact with and understanding of the circumstances.  Because I have constant issues with my disability getting in the way.  I don’t know if it is because I depend on other people to take care of my daily needs and I don’t have any personal space.  If I had the capability to do for myself what others do for me, I would  not always feel like they are invading my personal space which I know they are not doing.  But that is how I feel at times.  I don’t feel like I can do anything to avoid this situation.    However, this is how I really feel with my whole human existence.  I do not want my family members to put me in an extended care facility even though they may eventually feel a need.  For one thing, I do not think I would survive even a month in that type of facility.   I truly believe this with my whole heart and soul.  So my solution is to only go to an assisted nursing home for two week period at a time.  Then go to one of my family members’ homes for as long as they will have me.  Then go back into the assisted facility for another two weeks.  Repeat this cycle routinely

I do have a sound mind and it does work perfectly but my body is not perfect.  But by that I mean my body has a handicap but my mind does not.  It may have a learning disability but I do not have a mental handicap like some people assume.  For those people that think I am mentally handicapped, I am not.  Those people that think I am mentally handicapped do not know me very well.  All they have to do is get to know me and they realize I am a person just like they are but am trapped in a body that is just like a prison at times.  But more often than not my handicap is a blessing not a prison.  But sometimes it is still like a prison.  But that is mostly my fault.  Because that’s when I drag myself down in the dump.  We all know that place in life is hard to get out of once you get into it.  Once you get into that slump, it is easier to continue to go back.

I hate when people ask me what I think, when they don’t want to really know what I think.  I can tell it by their attitude, but most of the time I tell them what I think anyways.  It makes them as upset as myself for even saying it.  I don’t get mad until later when I realize I shouldn’t have said it to them.  If they really want to know what I thought they shouldn’t ask.  So it’s kind of their own problem and their own fault.  But I feel bad for even mentioning it, and I shouldn’t feel that bad as they brought it on by asking.  I hate when they ask me about money, especially my brothers and sisters not so much parents.  My brothers and sisters aren’t going to listen to me about money.  So why do they ask me when they’re not going to listen to me.  It hasn’t happened in a while so I think that is finally coming to an end.  Or they’re watching me saying “He doesn’t know anything about money” because of the way I spend it.  But I decide to spend it when I have it instead of them they decide to spend it when they don’t have it.  They decide to spend it when they have to use credit or a loan.  If I were to have a credit card, yes I would use it.  But, I would pay it off as soon as I got the bill so it didn’t have a balance and no interest.  Some of my family members besides my Mon and Dad don’t do it that way.  I will follow my parent’s habits.

I hate when people ask for my help and when I ask for help other than the obvious help I need every day they will not help me.  My biggest problem with that is when my parent’s told them they would help them with school.  My parent’s said if you will help Jon out through school, but yet they got out of that because of government assistance programs for the disabled.  Those that weren’t able to hold a job or in the process of going to school because their disability will not allow them to do both.  Because of that program my siblings got out of helping me with school.  That was one of the promises they made to my Mom and Dad.  If my Mom and Dad helped them with the cost of their college education.  So yes guess who gets the short end of the deal?  Me.  And I don’t think just because they didn’t have to help me with college that they should just get out of that deal all together.  I think when I ask for their financial help, they should at least actually try and give it to me.  As you can tell I am kind of the type that holds a grudge.  But I know I shouldn’t be.  But, that it’s one of my faults…what I know I shouldn’t do, I do.  And sometimes I do get mad over little things that I know I shouldn’t get mad at.  But as we all know that’s just part of being a human, and we can’t help it because that’s what we are.  No matter what way we look at it, that’s what we are.  We’re not like dogs or cats or any other animal.  But we’re very unique.  We are humans.  And humans think outside of the box.  And we can solve the problem.  Dogs and other species have problems solving their problems or they can’t solve their problems.  Either way we look at it they aren’t as smart as human beings are.  But we have to give them some credit.  But the truth is we don’t know how much credit to give them.  Sometimes I don’t think we give them enough credit.  But other times I think we give them too much credit but that’s just me.  Sometimes I think it’s who trained them and how good their training is.  I think they have to learn how to be taught how to be smart or how to be brainiacs.  But that goes for humans too so I don’t know what to think.   But I think humans have a much easier time than animals.  And I think humans can watch the other people do things.  In other words they learn by example.  Which I know dogs do to, but they have a lot harder time doing this than a human being does.

You know you affect somebody when you hear some of your own words in their writing.  When you know they would drop everything to come to your needs at a moment’s notice.  Some of these people may not know how to show it.   But, they would do the exact same thing.  They just don’t know how to communicate to you so they talk around you not at you.  Sometimes it gets so frustrating for me but sometimes I have to remember that just because they are talking around me doesn’t mean they don’t care for me.  In fact I think it means more to me that they are talking around me and not just ignoring me.  Even though sometimes I do feel that way and I just want to knock them  upside their head and say “ If you want to talk about me, talk about me to my face, don’t talk around me to your own brother and act like I’m not here because that pisses me off”.   You know something awesome is going to happen when you start something that you don’t think is going to get off the ground, but it slowly rises.  Like a kite taking off in the wind.  Some days your kite will do a real good job and then other days there will be days where it won’t take off at all.   I guess I’m surprised that I am getting hits on my blog from other parts of the world.  The fact is I can never get a real good solid count on who is reading my blog or for that matter whose life I touch, how many times a day I touch that person’s life.  How many times a day somebody thinks of me and gets a smile on their face, because I have touched their life a week ago, a month ago, and so forth.  The truth is I’ve been trying to increase my knowledge base on how to help with the little kids.  My biggest suggestion is trying to get a support system together while they’re little.  Not just for their sake but for your sake too.  If you can find a good psychologist or counselor try to use them to your advantage.  Because they may know some other people that you can put in your support system such as a speech therapist, PT, OT.  The other thing I would suggest is  if you’re a single parent get another family member involved to go to all the appointments because one person may not hear all the information.  You may get information overload and then you can go back and report to your support system on what the doctor said and on what that specialist said.  You won’t have to keep all the people in your support system forever.  You can drop them when you see fit.  However I would always suggest you keep a couple people as your main support system.  Because raising a handicap child is kind of difficult at times.  Other people may say this child can’t do this, but the truth is you don’t know unless you try.  I may have said this before but I don’t know if I have or not.  But, I have overcome lots of challenges and lots of roadblocks that people have put in my path or that they come up because of my disability.  Some of them I enjoy some of them I despise.  Those that I despise I look back and say “those are probably the best ones that I could overcome”, but some of those were some of the hardest things I have ever overcome in my life.

Everybody thinks I’m crazy for talking about somebody without mentioning names.  And they think it’s about them.  But, everybody needs to quit assuming it’s about them. Just read what I put and stop blaming themselves.  Because it’s not about blaming them.  This book is my thoughts and my thoughts matter just as much as everybody else’s.  The truth is I have problems just like everybody else other than my obvious problems.  Like my CP as my obvious problem.  But, I have other problems that I would consider major like I have problems talking to other people about my problems.  But, I have problems going to doctors, psychologists, and counselors.  Probably more than most.  Because I don’t trust doctors or counselors.  I haven’t been to a psychologist that I felt comfortable around talking to and such to talk to about my own problems.  That’s why everybody in my own family assumes that it’s about them.  The truth is there are many other people that I know besides them.  In fact I know so many people that I don’t know who I know and who I don’t, which could be a bad thing or a good thing.  Because I could take you for a stranger if you were walking on the street.  I could know you very well.  But, I just may not be able to place who you are at that moment in time.  So excuse me if I don’t know who you are but don’t recognize who you are.

The truth is I have lots of dreams just like you do.  I may have already said this.  But if I did I’m going to be restating what I already stated before.  It doesn’t matter who you know it matters how well you know that person.  I have several friends that I know and will consider them to be my good friends.  When we get together it’s like we can continue where we left off last.  I know for many of you this may be hard to believe.  But, I also have friends that used to be that way, and are no longer that way.  That’s a shame.  Because at that time of our relationship I swore to myself I would never lose that friend.  Now years have went by and I haven’t talked to any of my friends from high school since I graduated.  Every once in a while, I talk to them on facebook but that’s on their terms.   Kind of like them saying we don’t need you and that’s alright because if they are saying that to me, I say I don’t need them.  I don’t need their trash to clog up my life.  So pretty much all the friends I have now are my past nurses and my church, as well as my family.  Most of the people that are reading this and saying is that me are the ones that care about me the most, and they know me like the back of their hand.  I also know them like the back of my hand.  They are my family.

This book is going to bring up a lot of questions for them, myself, and you the fellow readers.  Like for instance how well you know your God.  How well do you know your family?  My family should have nothing to hide from me, I have nothing to hide from them.  If they are hiding something from me, I can usually figure it out in not to long of a time.

I will probably never get married, I know I shouldn’t say that because never is a long time.  But, the truth is right now at this point in time I don’t want to get married and I won’t get married until I feel like somebody knows me inside and out.  The truth is I shouldn’t say this but I don’t think anybody will take the time get to know me that well.  If they get to know me that well the second requirement is they have to be able to take care of my personal needs as well as love me for me not who they think I should be or any other way, love me for who I am.  They have to appreciate that my God comes right after them if not right before them.  If they want to have kids I’m fine as long as they want me to try.  But, my theory in that is if God wants me to have kids he will allow me to have them if he doesn’t that’s his will and that’s right.  I have the same concept about a wife.  If God wants me to be married he will show me the right girl, it will be the right time, and the right place.  I am not here to do anybody else right, but my God.

I will treat my brothers and sisters with respect to the best of my abilities at that time.  But they have to understand I mess up as well as any other human being will.  I probably mess up more, but I also make up for more than any other person does.  I realize I do stuff wrong every day and I try not to make excuses for it.    Something’s are harder to deal with than others.  I hate to be blunt here and all nasty but how would some you like a finger up your anus every day?  Well that’s just some of what I go through on a daily basis.  Every time I go out of my house I wonder how many people are staring at me?  Like what is he doing, he can’t control his own wheelchair, he probably doesn’t even have his mind.  This is why I’m writing this book to prove to people that I do have a mind that I do have a right to be on this earth.  I might be very blunt in some of what I say but most of what I say is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  Just ask my siblings they will tell you how true that comment is.   Some people don’t truly think I’m going to write a book.  The truth is I started this book a long time ago and never got it done because my computer crashed and I had to start from scratch.  After I lost what I had I thought maybe the book writing wasn’t for me.  But, since I’ve been doing a blog and have been blogging for a while now I realized that writing is for me when fellow bloggers started following me and liking my post it as well went real wide so therefor I know this writing is what I am supposed to be doing.

Many people have said that Heaven is for real, the truth is because it is.  Who else but God himself made the Earth and made people to not image but his image?  We just have to maintain his image.  The hard part about that is where people don’t follow his image, they want to follow free will.  The truth is yes God gave us free will, yes God gave us free will for a reason so that we would know right from wrong and wrong form right.  But, what people don’t realize is that there are many things that could be right and could be wrong.  There are many different ways that we can approach different things.  Many different people don’t go to God and ask him for his guidance.  Many people just do it how they think it should be done and hope it’s the right way.  I’m telling you many times it is the right way but many times it’s just the opposite.  Not wrong or right.  Or it could be very wrong, or very right.  We will never know until we get up to our Savior.   That’s where we have to trust in our Creator just like all of us trust can trust our parents.   But, many of us choose not to and that’s a right out shame.  Because they are just trying to do what’s best for you.  They really do have your best interest at heart.  Just think you couldn’t be put up for adoption or even worse abortion.  Only one of those is the right thing to do and that’s adoption in my eyes.  The other one is just plain out right murder.  Most of the time it isn’t the parents fault that they made that choice to walk into an abortion center.  Most of the time it’s because they were led up to in by that I mean talked into it by somebody else.  So what I am trying to say is don’t blame somebody from getting an abortion because most of the time it’s not truly all their decision.  They may look back on it and they wished they never did that, in fact I know one day probably sooner than later they will that to somebody.  They will probably be trying to talk to somebody out of what they went through eventually.  Because it doesn’t take only the baby’s life it takes a part of the mother too.  So after reading this stand up with me and speak against abortion and in other words murder.  Not for the mother but for the doctors that don’t talk them out of it.  For the doctors that are still in practice, even though they shouldn’t be.  They are sooner or later going to pay for that decision when they have to face our Creator and he is full of kindness and he knows how to be kind, but I think he also knows how to say “ enough is enough is enough”.  There are people that say Hitler’s in Heaven but in my kind heart  and believe me I’m the kindest person you ever met, and in my kind heart there is no beeping way he’s in Heaven.

In fact there are some days I think why am I here?  Then I look at the world and I say it’s because of all the lives I’m going to continue to touch.  I have touched thousands of lives already.  I can’t fathom how many more millions/ trillions it could even go to infinity and beyond on how many people I will have touched.  Even people from other countries.  There are some people that think I’m crazy saying that, but I know it’s the truth.  There are some people that say handicap does change a person’s outlook on life dramatically.  That’s true too.  I can’t fathom to begin to believe how many people are waiting on the other side to welcome me into Heaven.  Yes I said into Heaven.  People are going to stare at this book and say “how do you know that you are already going to heaven?” Because some people just have an instinct.  When you have instinct most of the time and when you follow that instinct you will be right.  Most of the time your instinct won’t lead you on the wrong path.   In fact I found that my instinct lead me to and closer to God.  Because believe it or not at one time I was looking for a way out to speak.  A way out of the faith, a way out of this earth.  But, then I realized I can’t be in my right mind.  When I was thinking those things.  I mean don’t get me wrong there is no right way or wrong way to get to Heaven.  But, when you are considering suicide to get out of this earth you will only obtain a ticket either to purgatory or straight to hell.  I hate to say this, but I know a few people that did turn their life completely around that did deserve a ticket straight to hell.  Now they have turned their life around so they are on the right path.  We can never tell a person what faith to be, how to believe, what to believe, and so forth and so forth.  We can never tell somebody that they are practicing their faith the wrong way, because the truth is it may be the right way for them.   We never know what the right way is for those human beings to practice their faith.  All we can do when they ask for help is to try to help them the best we can or try to lead them to help the best we can.  When we see that they are having difficulties and they don’t ask for help it’s our business to try to help them but if they don’t ask we have to be ready on the sidelines to help them when they do ask for help.  But, don’t try to pry into their personal life and force the help on them because then you will force them further away.  That will do no good.

More about my wishes.  At one time I wanted to be a cop or a fire fighter.  At one time I also wanted to be a person that works on computers.  But pretty soon after I wanted to do two of these things my hope was blown to pieces.  Then about one year after I got out of high school my brother said computers would be a bad idea too.  Because of my eyes.  So then I had to rethink all my lifelong plans and believe me that was hard to swallow.  I then went to being able to work with people such as a counseling degree.  Which I do have a major in but it’s only an associates, I have a bachelor’s degree in organizational leadership in which I am stuck at currently without a job.   Which is hard, because I look at all my friends and family and say “why couldn’t that be me?”  Not that I am jealous in any way because all my siblings wouldn’t be where they’re at today without me.  That’s true the other way around also.  Because I have a really great support system within my family.  My parents are included in that.

My parents have taken and continue to take really good care of us.  In fact we were poor but our parents have an amazing way of making it seem like we weren’t that poor.  To be honest with you, the first time my oldest sister realized that we were poor was when she missed a day of school and the teacher said take this home and watch this video she had to say we didn’t have a VCR.  That was the first time that any of us realized we were poor.

I think all kids do go through a stage where they lie.  I went through that stage forever.  Probably way after I was supposed to be out of it.  But, I was so good at it that I had my teachers convinced that my parents were getting a divorce; that my Dad was staying here with us kids, and that my Mom was moving to New York.   I don’t know how long I had them believing this before they finally called my Mom and said “We heard you are getting a divorce” and she said “oh yeah where are you hearing this from?’  I don’t know how it turned out from there, that’s all I can remember.  But, that was the last time I ever told a lie that big.  I never got the belt but once in my life and I don’t even know what it was for.  I don’t even recall how bad it hurt, but I do remember getting the belt.  I think the worse part of it was when my Dad pulled it out of his belt loops.  That’s the part I remember most from it.  Otherwise I had a pretty easy childhood, a pretty easy life.  In fact I still do.

Believe it or not I do tithes to my religion more than 10%.  But, I don’t tithe it to the church.  I have a child I foster from a foreign country.  Other than that I spend the money I get on myself in fact some of you are probably saying he was a room better than I do.  But, I don’t spend my money frugally.  I try to spend it wisely and when I do spend it frugally which I try not to do very much I try to get out of that stage very quickly.  I do pretty well at it actually.  I do find things to keep me busy.  Like playing on the computer, watching tv or movies, listening to music, and my favorite one of them all is listening to town gossip on my scanner.  But, there’s also a reason for that too.  I am kind of a prayer warrior for my surrounding town’s fire and police department.  So every time they are called out to something dangerous I pray for them.  Unfortunately I live by the hospital so I hear all the care flights go out as well as they go over my house.  Most of the time at night they even wake me up.  Yes I am that in tune with my surroundings.  As I’ve told you before it drives me crazy sometimes, almost to the point of no return.   But yet I always do find a way to return to my sanity.  Or what other people call my crazy life.  I love my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world, even my handicap.

Even though my handicap is kind of the elephant in the room.  It can be my best friend or even sometimes the complete opposite my worst enemy.  I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Because it can be other people’s best friend to or it can be their worst enemy.  But, if it’s their worst enemy they have some major issues to go through too.  If I can help them go through that I will.  In fact if they stay working with me or around me long enough, their attitude will dramatically change.  I know some handicap people can be excuse my language but they can be buttholes or I meant to assholes.  Because they think the world owes them everything.  This world doesn’t owe them everything.  In fact the world doesn’t owe them anything more than you or I.  But, they think the world owes them everything and they are going to try and get it.   Those are the biggest snobbiest people I know.  Because they try to get two apples out of one apple seed, you know what I mean?  One apple seed is not going to furnish two apples.  It’s only going to produce one apple, and maybe if you plant an apple seed it will grow another apple tree.  But, each apple has plenty of seeds in it which you don’t see twin apples.  You only see one apple split up into two apples.  You might see one big apple, never are you going to see apples break into two.  If you didn’t know what I meant, now you do.  It may be the stupidest explanation around but I am not very good at explanations.   That’s why I am not running a dictionary.  I am writing this book so people know what I am going through.

I wasn’t picky when it came to getting through high school.  All I asked for was an elevator and diploma.  There was other people in that school that asked for more material goods, did that get them anywhere?  No.  In fact I don’t even think that person has their diploma to this day.  Look what I have.  I have a college degree.  All I asked for was what I had the right to ask for.  I didn’t ask for anything else but what I had the right to ask for.  Like, they said I didn’t have to take the proficiency but my parents said I will take them.  That I had right to do, low and behold I passed all of them with a 16 which is average.  If some of you don’t know you have to pass those to get a regular diploma.  Otherwise you just get a certificate of attendance.  I wasn’t going through school just to get a certificate of attendance.  I was going there because I knew I could pass high school to get a high school diploma.  Then I was going to try college.  And little did I know college would be a little bit easier but also harder on other pieces of the puzzle.  Such as the fact I didn’t have the same person giving me all of my tests.  In fact all of my tests were given to me by another student.  That you wouldn’t think would be that hard, but for me it was.   Because it was somebody new that I didn’t know and they didn’t know my speech better.  So therefore true and false, and multiple choice were the tests I did most.  The test I passed the most.  If you wanted me to fail all you had to do was give me a fill in the blank test.  In fact there was one there was one class where a professor knew I was getting the subject, but he could tell on the test that I wasn’t getting it down on paper.  He came to me and asked me why.  He more less told me your dad will be giving you your next test.  So he did.  Needless to say I got a better grade than I expected to get in that class.  There were a lot of professors in my college that weren’t just there for their job but for the students.  I think the students mattered to them more than their pay check.  You don’t see very many professors out there that are like that.  In fact you see many professors from many different colleges that you want to stay away from.  But, my college experience was a little bit different.  That could have been for many different reasons.  I won’t go into them.  But, it wasn’t because we were the teacher’s pet.  We had to work our ass off for what we got.  But, as long as they knew we were trying they were going to try their damndest   to help us out with our grade.  As long as they knew we were trying they were not going to fail us.  As soon as they saw we weren’t trying they quit helping us.  They quit helping people that weren’t trying.  Believe you me there is some kids out there that think college is still high school.  I got news for them if they think that way, they are going to fail out of college.  Because there was a time or two I thought I was going to fail out of college.  In fact I thank God every day that I got out of college and passed college when I did, and that I got my degree when I did.  Because there is a part of me that thinks I couldn’t do it if I had to do it again.  But, there is another sided of me that wants to go back.  It might seem weird that I’m saying this but to be around more people and to have a social life.  I do have a social life now but it’s now how I want it to be.  At least when I was at school I had my mind occupied with school work, homework, and my friends.  Now I just have to make up stuff for me to do.  Because the economy and the government won’t allow me to get a job, even though they want me to get a job the stuff they want me to do to get that job they won’t allow me to do.  So here I am stuck writing a book about them which I know part of me says I shouldn’t include this part in the book.  But, there is also part of me that says I should.  Because if I don’t speak out about it and put it in this book nobody will get my message.  And my message is this “Don’t fake out the people that you want to get a job by telling them they have to get a job, make their stuff they have to have to get a job easier than Heaven to get instead of making it harder than Heaven to get the stuff they need why don’t they instead say they will pay the first time and then place a time period on them to wait to get the upgraded technology.  Don’t count the stuff they used in high school as part of the stuff they received.  Make it after they graduate instead of right when they get a piece of technology out of their own pocket.  Or out of the government’s pocket.  However you want to put it.  That’s just one of my pet peeves.  As you will see later I have many pet peeves if you can’t tell that already.” 

  This book is going to be confusing to follow because now I’m going to go to religion.  I think religion is very important as I do my God.  These are not one in the same.  They are close, but they are not the same thing.  You can belong to a religion but I believe you don’t have to believe everything they believe.  Some people would disagree with me.  But, I would like to argue with them that I believe it’s not how you believe it’s what you believe in.  I believe in the same God they believe in.  Only I might believe in him in a different way.  Like I believe in one baptism and one God.  There are some religions out there that believe in several Gods.  You can be baptized at any time you want.  But there’s some religions that are close to mine that only believe in one baptism.  Those are the faiths I like the most, and that I believe in the most.  I don’t know much about any other faith but my own and the one that is most like mine.  Which right now is escaping me.  Any way I believe that baptism can take away your original sins up until that point you are baptized.  Then I believe all you have to do is ask and be really sincere and then your sins will be free again.  But, that’s not what my faith says.

 

My faith says you have to go to confession and tell another human being that is supposedly sitting in for Christ ll your sins since the last time you’ve been to confession.  Then he will say a prayer over you that is called absolution.  You are then forgiven for your sins.   But, I have a hard time with that concept as I imagine many people do.  I would rather pray and be really sincere than go to another human being to commit my life story to.  Which I don’t know if he’s going to keep it a secret or not.  I know he’s supposed to but does he?  Probably but we will never know.  He has made mistakes just like the rest of us.  I don’t know if I can trust them with my sins.  I know I’m supposed to because I know he’s supposed to be God but he doesn’t look like God on that cross suffering for all my sins.  He just looks like a normal human being that I know can make mistakes.  I know he does.   Therefore it’s hard to say all of my sins to him, and it’s hard to be sincere.  So therefore I have a hard time going to confession like I imagine many of you do if you go to confession at all.  Or if you even go to church at all.

 

I know you can believe in anything and not go to church at all, I know you cannot believe in religion and not go to church at all and make it to Heaven just as well as I can.  It’s just that your road may be a little harder and bumpier than my road.  But, I’m not saying that you can’t do it and nobody else should say it either because that would be judging.  We are not supposed to judge but there are some people on this Earth that don’t believe in anything.  They only believe in their life is done when it’s done.   They begin life as fast as it they are going to end.  That’s a shame to them.  It’s like they don’t have anything to look forward to.  They don’t see any point in life.  You can tell it in their attitude.  If you know what I mean.  If you don’t know what I mean here’s an example:  They walk around like they have a big chip on their shoulder and they don’t care that it’s there.  If they have family and kids they only care about their family and kids.  They don’t care about the other people in their community or ignore the people that are all around them that they sometimes work for.  That is no way to be especially if you want to maintain and keep a job not just get fired all of the time.  Yeah, if you have an attitude like that you’re probably going to get fired all the time and looking for a new job all the time, or be working some place like Walmart or Kmart where most of the time you are by yourself.  Those are not very high paying beneficial jobs so you may have to work many of those jobs to get somewhere in life.  Excuse me if you’re walking around with a big chip on your shoulder excuse me but you deserve that kind of life.  I am not one to judge very quickly but that is another pet peeve of mine because there are people that want a job and can do your job well but are stuck because you are in their position or the person that has the big chip on their shoulder has their position.  If you want a job you have to maintain a good attitude.   Most of the time a good attitude does not include having a big chip on your shoulder of being a self-centered bitch.   But that’s just one person’s opinion.  Take it for what it’s worth.

Conversion is a lifelong process

There are many conversions we all have to go through in in life.  Such as a death of a loved one, Such as another loved one going and joining another faith, your faith is a lifelong process and you may have many turns and many different curves come up.

Addiction

Such as a person on drugs in your family.

Such as a school that doesn’t teach religion

-Many schools don’t teach religion in fact you have to go to certain schools for your own specific religion.  Many parents can’t afford this that to why they are sending their child to public schools.  Which don’t teach them religion all because of the separation between church and state or something like that.  Many people don’t want to switch religions, because they are used to that.  That is what their family does.

But what is wrong with it?

Many people don’t want to make their family upset.  But their family doesn’t realize what faith you choose, they are all going to get into Heaven.  Maybe some faiths will have a different road but they are all going to get into Heaven.

So what does that mean?

It means you should go with your heart and not with what just your mind says.  If you want to go to a different religion because you think it’s better for you, why not?  Because after all it’s about you, your life is about you.  It’s not about what other people think.  It’s about you after all, it’s not about what other people think.  It’s just about you.  You have to remember that. More religions are coming out with classes you have to take to become that religion

Like my religion is called RCIA, which just means adult education for my religion.  But, some religions are called different things.  It doesn’t matter.  It all boils down to its just classes to understand the religion in which you are joining.  If they don’t have this sort of thing it’s a shame.  In fact people that are acquiring about different religions should have to research that religion before committing to it.

For their own personal needs

When you are faith searching you are not that committed to your creator.  All that leads to unhappiness.  Trust me, because I’ve been there before in my faith journey.  All that leads to unhappiness again.  So my conclusion to this PowerPoint is to not push anybody to be a certain faith unless you know your own faith inside and out.  The truth is nobody is that secure in their religion to tell people what faith they are to be.  So what I’m saying is don’t try to keep people from going to other faiths.  Don’t try to keep people in your same faith if they don’t want to be.  If you’re not happy with your religion, try searching for a a different church first before you go faith searching.  Because faith searching takes a lot out of you.  When you feel like you’re not committed to one faith, you’re not that committed to your creator.

Do you really know your bible, or do you only know parts of your bible that the priest/pastor has taught?

When you only know half of the bible it’s like only knowing half of your Lord.  Do you really only  want to know half of your Lord?  Or do you want to know every piece of him?  I would think you would want to know every piece of him.  Like want to.  It’s really important to know the whole bible not just parts of it.

Fishing, my saying that I love so much is:

If you give somebody a fish you fixed them by a meal, if you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime.  In fact I would rather feed somebody for a lifetime than just one meal.  I think that would be what my God wants me to do.

Wouldn’t that be want what you wanted to do, or what would you want to do?  Would you want to do the just thing?

I would want to do the just thing.  But, I know several people that wouldn’t do the just thing.  But, I also know several people on the other end that work their tails of literally.  I mean I know some people don’t sit down from dawn to dusk such as farmers.  I think all farmers are God born Christians their entire life.  Some of them have been working in the business since they were 16 yrs. old or old enough to help their parents do the housework.

Here we go jumping around again.  But in my family we had to know what we wanted and say what we wanted, otherwise it wouldn’t get done.  I am not to good at that still, in fact I don’t think I am ever going to be good at that.  Because it’s not in my personality.  Because my personality is completely different than everybody else.  I am not worried about by myself.  I worry about other people to much, and what I say what I think they want me to say.  I know this is a bad habit and I am trying to break it.  But, just the day before yesterday my sister brought up to me that I should say what I want to say not what I think they want to hear.  But, when you have such a caring personality sometimes you don’t even realize it.  I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Another thing is because of my disability I don’t say please and thank you as much as I should.   The thing that I want would be an automatic thing that they would do for themselves.  So I don’t think I should say please and thank you for an automatic thing they would get up and do their self.  Such as getting up to get a drink, I have to ask for this stuff.  Also this is going to be kind of gross but I have to ask them to change me.  Yes I do know when I have to go, but because sometimes I can’t get there fast enough I have to wear depends.  Believe me that sucks.  Because then you go through the whole issue of who is paying for those depends, do I pay for them out of my own pocket?  Does the government?  So far it’s been a little bit of both.  When I run out my parents have to get a box of depends off the internet.  Yes they are expensive.  Just like any other medical supplies they are expensive.  Just like yesterday I went in for a routine tube change that is considered a surgery.  Unfortunately I have to do that every six months.  But, as of yesterday the doctor said if he can find the stuff and get it to us he would let us do it so that’s the way we are going to try and go.  In fact I think we already got a mickey tube coming off line.  I know there are places that sell them.  Because I hear of other handicap people putting them in their self.  I know there is a way that we can get them, but we don’t know that way yet other than good old ebay.  Then you don’t know how safe that is, but thank God it’s not a terrible procedure.  Because once it goes into your stomach your stomach is not sterile so therefore it doesn’t have to be a sterile environment you just want to make sure your hands are clean when you do it.  That kind of basic stuff.  The same thing he said to me, it may not be basic to you.  But another thing is if you have somebody with a handicap you learn everything you can do by yourself.  So you don’t have to go into a doctor’s office so often because that can get kind of pricey.  Especially now a days.   So my suggestion to you is to learn to take care of the easy stuff yourself if the doctor will teach you.  Because it will end up saving you thousands of dollars in the long run.  It may even save them from making a mistake like they did on me, not on me this time but the last time.  They didn’t put saline water in the balloon so it gradually deflated overnight.  At that time I was going down to Miami Valley hospital for a doctor.  So I had to go their emergency room.  At that time they said it would close up within two hours.  The doctor I saw yesterday said I had at least four hours.  Don’t quote me on that because some things can grow faster and some slower it just depends on the person.  That is something I never want to happen to me, because I would never want to go through that whole surgery again.  Just the surgery to put it in is a simple surgery but the surgery to place the tube in the stomach is a totally different surgery.  Yeah it is the same surgery but it has a lot more involved.  I can handle the surgery to replace it in fact I don’t consider this surgery.  I consider this something you guys can accomplish if you had a tube ready to put in.  Which says a lot about my parents.  Which some of my doctors in Dayton let my mom and dad take care of me all they could legally.  Because they say they know me better.  To be honest with you whenever I go to the hospital I go to the hospital because I have no other options.  So basically if I stay home I am going to have a hard time surviving without antibiotics.  I need antibiotics just to get better most of the time.  They are not just antibiotics I take by mouth, a lot of times these antibiotics are given by IV.  But it doesn’t help any that I don’t like hospitals to begin with.  Because when I go into hospitals I usually can’t sleep for like the first 24 hrs.  But, I am getting better at that.  That could be bad or good.  I used to not be able to sleep nowhere but on my own bed.  Now that I spent nine long months in a hospital I have no problems sleeping in a strange bed.  Because when I was at the hospital it was either sleep or don’t sleep and I couldn’t go nine months without sleep but the first weak was a bear.  Even worse than the whole nine months.  Because I couldn’t get to sleep no matter what.  In fact people were begging me to go to sleep.  I could easily do it during the day but not at night.    Even then there were sometimes I wouldn’t go to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up again.  That was the first time that I ever really confronted that were not going to be here forever.  So now I live for today.  I live for the moment, I live for the hour, I don’t live for tomorrow.  I live like today is going to be my last day, I do make plans for tomorrow but they are just plans.

Now I am going to tell you something that I am having a hard time dealing with.  I imagine everybody in a similar situation as mine would have the same thing happen to them.  One of my best friends that took me for who I really was and saw the true me didn’t hold the wheelchair against me.  In fact he saw my wheelchair as a part of me, which is hard for a lot of people to do.  He was on some meds for bipolar and depression.  Something made him say “ I don’t need this anymore” and please don’t ever do that.  Because it could end up in a similar situation just like I’m telling you now.    Several years ago my friend committed suicide.  Still to this day, I have been impacted in him committing suicide.  Something’s are good and something’s are bad.  Like every time I hear someone committed suicide I automatically think of him.  But, without him I don’t want to say without him but without him doing it I don’t want to say it was a good thing but without him doing what he did I don’t think I would be where I am today writing this book, being a college graduate which is the greatest and I want to go back for me but I haven’t got the courage to go back.  I know I should go back, but I have a feeling if I do I will be stuck in the same spot I am now and not be able to have all of these degree’s and not be able to put it to use.  I don’t think it’s fair to you guys as taxpayers to pay my way.  But, I also know if I go back that’s what is going to happen.  But anyway he was the reason why I got into the field I am in counseling, and then organizational leadership.  Because I found out counseling you couldn’t really get anywhere without a masters and to get my masters I would have to go to Dayton.  I can’t travel to Dayton every day for classes and I cannot stay there in a dorm with people that help me get dressed and stuff like that.  Because I wouldn’t know if they were going to show up to do their job or not.  I couldn’t grab the phone and ask them either.  So if they didn’t show up I would be in a world of hurt.  That is why I switched my majors to be able to get it done locally and thank God I did, because I met some of the nicest people that I know through college.  In fact I think I already told you this but in fact college was even easier than high school.  I was a C student in high school and when I got out of high school I went into college and my grades improved drastically.  I don’t know what that was because of.  But, I ended up with a 3.22 grade point average which my brother and sisters are jealous of because they didn’t do that good.

So therefore they are happy for me but they’re jealous of my accomplishment at the same time.  But that’s part of the reason why I graduated with no debt to my name.  Believe me that is hard to do graduating with no debt to my name that is.  I was thinking I would have a little bit of money to pay back.  But that also showed people that staying close to home really paid off.  Because if I would have went to Wright States main campus I would have room and board on top of my tuition.  Which one government agency said I would have to pay for it myself.  I would have the option of using my tuition or using them to pay my tuition or paying my room and board but thank God I never had to make that decision.  Thank God I found something I would like to do and think I would be good at kind of fits within my train of thoughts to begin with to have my profession I still think one of these days I’m going to become a professional speaker.  This book is just a starting up point.  Hopefully one of these days that dream will come true.  I do have a lot to say to the public.  But figuring out how to say it is going to be the hardest problem.  Because with my speech and my volume problem I think I might run into some issues.  But if I had this book to fall back on to kind of lead me on where to go and how to go I know I will have to leave some parts out for schools and stuff because our government is stupid and won’t allow religion into our schools.  Which is by the way I think ridiculous.  It kind of upsets me but as you will learn later in the book government is kind of one of things that upsets me too.  It is one of the things that’s one of my passions too.  Because I love diving into stuff such as how government works.  How the Supreme Court works.  Which I know some of from my high school days but am going to have to research it more because I’m sure I forgot some things about it to.  I honestly enjoy but hardly ever listen to it is watching how the stock market is doing.  So you can see I have a lot of love for business.  And would love to start my own business someday.  In fact I kind of hope to before you even hear the title of this book get on the shelves, but I don’t know if I will get that far.  I have a love for helping people in need.  Such as helping people in natural disasters, or helping people that need help in third world countries whom don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  I love helping some of the women shelters in my local area.  I want to start volunteering at a Goodwill but that’s one of my goals I hope to accomplish before this book comes out.  But I don’t know if I will get that done either.  So as you see I have a lot of great intentions but don’t follow through which hopefully will get better by doing this book.  But being this is my fifth attempt at this book and hoping it will be my last attempt at this book.  I don’t my luck changing any time soon other than getting this book out.  Even though I do have one reason I want to get this book out.  Because I want to give people encouragement and try to keep people from committing suicide because they couldn’t get help.  If I change one persons life that would be good enough for me.  If I keep changing peoples lives like I’m doing now already that would be even more encouraging.  That I would have to keep writing books.  So after this book is out, I am not going to be one of those authors that don’t want to receive contact from my readers.  I want to receive contact from my readers so I know where I should go with my next book.  Because after I get this book out I want to keep writing not for financial purposes either.  So people can learn from what I have to say.  People have some good readings out there to read.  I know people already have good readings out there to read, but most are not true stories.  Mine is as true as true can get.  In fact I am going to tell you those true stories now.  One day I was walking around Kmart and my sister was carrying me and I was resting my head on her shoulder.  We got up to the cashier and the cashier said “is the little boy tired?” I said no Bitch!  Then she said “what did he say?” my sister said “oh he just said yeah”.  As we were walking away I said you “fucking bitch” again.  So as you can tell I have a very foul mouth on me.  But that is because sometimes if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it through my day or my handicap.  Because people like to discriminate against me, people like to ignore me like I’m not even there when I am truly sitting in a chair.  They like to ignore me like they don’t even see the chair or the person sitting it.  I’ve probably already said this to you once, it’s one of my pet peeves and you will probably keep hearing it over and over again.  Because it is one of my highest pet peeves.  That alone is the quickest way to piss me off.  Just pretend like I’m not even there The other one is knowing that I’ there and just talking around, that will really piss me off and very quickly.  So one of my things I’m going to tell you is talk to a handicap person just like you would talk to a regular person even if you don’t know if they can comprehend or not.  It will probably make their mom or dad or whoever is with them day or even their week.  They may even say something to you like oh my God that’s the first time somebody has ever treated my daughter with respect or something like that.  Have you ever been told it takes some respect to receive some respect?  So the next time you want to be treated with respect just remember that, it takes some to receive some.  Or sometimes it just takes respect to change somebody’s attitude for that day.  You might change their mood from a bad mood to a good mood for the rest of that day or a couple days.  You never know in this world how many lives you’re going to affect.  But just doing one simple thing and another simple thing you can do is smile.  You know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  So why don’t more people smile it would probably hurt their face less.  It will change their attitude and people can tell your smiling in your voice when you’re on your phone.  That is a proven fact.

I don’t know how to do what my brother wants me to do.  He said his wife told him that if I needed her to she would sign up and do a walk with me.  I haven’t told you this organization yet.  It’s called Canine Companions for Independence.  They can help any person with a disability either mental or physical.  Yes it’s just like a Seeing Eye dog.  In fact they even do classes for that too.  But mostly what I have is I canine for Independence which can help me pick up stuff as well as retrieve things for me.  Some dogs can even pull their chairs.  But you have to have the hand strength to hold onto a handle while the dog pulls you along.  Plus I don’t have that hand strength.  So I wasn’t taught how to use that command.  But to be honest with you if I ever got the hand strength and I wanted to learn that command I would teach my dog until it knew that command in the back of his head.  Because I was doing a training exercise with him this weekend.    I was surprised but he was able to remember because they were some of the commands I don’t use at all.  But once he got it in his head it was like riding a bike never forgetting how.  I am glad I got him, I got a dog from this organization.  As I have told you before they do other kinds of stuff.  Like hearing dogs.  Where if they hear a sound that you can’t hear they come and get you.  Or if they hear a phone ring they will do another type of alert.  If they hear a door bell they will go to the doorway and sit.  If they hear the door knock, they go to the door and scratch at it.  One of the most important things is if they hear fire alarms, they can also alert you to that.  But I don’t know much about those dogs, because they separate us out into individual classes.  So that’s why I don’t know much about those type of dogs.   But I do know they are a very expensive organization to run.  It is all done by a nonprofit organization.  So in another words it’s all done by you and myself donating.  So if at all possible when you read this, give it some thought and maybe possibly donate.  I have a lot of organizations I can tell you about and talk about.  One of the organizations in my town is called Family Resources.  They help with anything from personal hygiene care products to getting wheelchairs including getting a handicap accessible van to making your house as handicap accessible as it can be within their means.  Which not very many people have a company that supports handicap people, but I know of one family that had their whole house built just because where their dad worked was that generous.  Like I said I have only heard of a company doing that once.  It was kind of like doing make a wish but they didn’t have to have apply to make a wish.  Which is another organization I want to discuss.  I don’t know much about it.  I do know you have to be a kid to enter it.  So you have to know about it early which I unfortunately didn’t hear about it until I was older.  By the time I looked it up it was already too late for me to apply.  So what I’m telling you is to apply for everything you know about when you know about it, don’t wait as you may not be able to get that application.  The longer you wait they may have a waiting list you have to be on for several years.  Some churches may be able to help, it depends on what denomination you are and  on how willing the congregation   is able to help you.  Every once in a while you might get a job that is flexible around appointments but I doubt it.  I was lucky when I was in school.  I had appointments my mom worked nights.  She was able to take me to my appointments.  But like I said I don’t know many employers where I could do that unless you have flex time, which a lot of places are offering now.  But I am kind of out the loop and I wish I was in the loop more.  But, that’s because I don’t have a job and I wish I had a job already if you’ve been reading and can comprehend anything in my book.  I don’t want to sound rude there but I may have come off rude.  I know I don’t need to apologize because it’s my book and I can do whatever I want.  But my feelings are I need to apologize because it’s the right thing to do.

  I don’t know much about this person but she has been mentioned to me a lot.  She has a couple books out herself.  Her name is Joni Eareckson Tada.  I heard about her several times.  When I just nearly forgot her I remember her for some reason.  I think this time it’s because she has an origination that gives to the poor in other countries.  She also gives wheelchairs to the handicap in other countries that otherwise can’t afford it.  She is doing what I eventually hope to do.  That is help needy people that have a handicap from other countries.  Not from America.  I’m not trying to be racist or anything like that.  I just think the needy in America can learn to help themselves.  The ones that can’t need to go back to where they came from.  But that’s just my opinion.  Don’t hold it against me.  Just because I am handicapped everybody thinks I always have to be nice.  That’s the wrong conclusion not every handicap person is nice.  I am tired of every person making excuses for me and making assumptions about me when they are unfounded and they have no reason to make a conclusion about me.  That’s why I like Joni Eareckson so much because she has never let a neck injury stop her.  In fact it drew her closer to God.  Which a lot of people don’t think can happen.  But I am telling you a disability can draw you closer to god and it will.  Hopefully this book will do that.  Not just for one person but for several people.  I am not going for countries I am going for being able to impact nations.  This might take me a while but I will do it in my lifetime.  If not in my lifetime I will leave enough info that other people can do it, even though I’ve passed.  My brain is not made for just sitting in a chair.  My brain was made to be used.  My brain has not been impacted by my disability as I may have already told you.  Just my body but now my mind.  As the title of the book which should lead you to think my brain isn’t just mush.  There is something in there and I am going to use it to the best of my ability.

 

Now I am going to talk to you about school systems.  This one is hard because you don’t want to ask to much or ask too little and not get what you need.  But it’s kind of hard when you don’t know how much your kid can comprehend.  So that’s where the school system should do their part and test your child.  The way school sytems are now but in a way if you know they know more and you think the school system is trying to cut corners don’t let them do that because they tried to do that with me and I wouldn’t have a college education if my mom and dad wouldn’t have pushed them so hard.  Like they tried to tell me I think I told you this before.  But they tried to tell me I didn’t have to take proficiency test but my parents insisted on me taking them.  I am glad they did.  Because without passing the proficiency test I would have just got a certificate of attendance.  Which would have met I wouldn’t have been able to go to college which I really wanted to do.  I know one of these days I want to go back and shove that degree in their face.  Because I think I’m the only one that was in the specialized classes that got a degree.  That got a college degree.  But, I would kind of blame it on the school system because if they didn’t think the kid could do something they didn’t make them try very hard, and I don’t think they are trying very hard.  Like right now where they have no child left behind.  I don’t know quite what that means.  But I am kind of glad they have that in the school system because every child will know how to read now and at least in some form to the best of their ability.  I can’t read and I think it was because when I was capable of learning how to read they didn’t take the time or the effort to teach me how to read, but even then I don’t know that I could read.  I don’t know when they actually stopped teaching me how to read but I think they should’ve taught me where I was at until the day I was out of school.  They should’ve hired a teacher one on one for me or at least given me a tutor one on one for me.  At least until I could learn how to do my sight words.  Now the only way I can kind of read is by hearing the word then saying the word.  Kind of like closed captioning but I like to leave the volume on.  But even then it sometimes they go too slow or too fast and they are behind or ahead.  One of the two.  I don’t know how to fix that either besides the closed captioning people and I don’t know who they are.  I can pick some words out of a list after I know what the first letter is but other than that I can’t even spell.  So in another words don’t ask me to spell something and don’t expect me to know it unless you know the first couple letters and then give me a couple options to pick form there I can then tell you which one it is.  But I am basically telling you don’t give up on your kid when you know they can doing something better than the school is allowing them.  Because they are doing a disservice to you and your child.  And to the rest of the community.  I understand that sometimes people get burned out, but don’t let yourself get burned out take a couple moments for yourself every now and then.  Even if it’s just 5 minutes here and there it is better than nothing.  Because I know a lot of you are divorced parents.  Which that has to be hard.  I don’t know how my parents did it let alone divorced parents.  Not saying you can’t do it, just saying good luck the forces are against you.  So good luck again.  Because even when a disabled kid has both parents it’s hard.  In fact that’s one of the causes of a divorce….a disabled child.  Because they get into fights about their child.  They finally say that’s it but if you get a divorce because of the disabled child don’t get a divorce because the child will still be there no matter what, no matter whether you’re together or apart.  The only difference is your living situation.  That may be hard to look at the other person daily, but just remember this is what God chose for you.  This is what God chose for your family.  You just have to choose how you’re going to accept it.  I don’t know how to tell you to accept it.  But I can tell you this, it’s going to be hard for both of you and that disable child may be even some other children.  Because fighting over that disabled child isn’t going to go away.  That child isn’t going to go away.  So you might as well just try staying together and just try to work it out.  It may be hard now and it may be hard for a while, but it promise you if you are getting a divorce only because of that child and that child knows it that child is going to hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life.  I don’t know this for a fact but I know divorces are hard on everyone.  But a divorce is twice as hard if your handicap than if you’re not.  Because then you wonder who is going to be taking care of you, whether your being fed or beaten.  That may be true for you and that may be what your child is thinking too.  In fact I don’t want to get in people’s heads here but I think if I were in that situation that is what I would think.  In fact on another subject if you have the means and the patience to keep your child at home, don’t put them in a nursing home or a group home.  The best care you can give somebody that is handicapped is to keep them at home.  There you can actually keep an eye on them and know exactly where and when things happen.  In a nursing home you never know what is going to happen.  A lot of bad things happen even some neglect.  When you’re handicap a lot of things can be considered neglect that are not really neglect in a home but is basically considered neglect in a nursing home.  I don’t know what all of those are.  But hopefully when I get later on this book you will find out not by me but by one of my co-authors.  That has been around a lot more than I have in a nursing home and out of the nursing home.  All that kind of stuff.  She can probably tell you what is considered neglect and what’s not.  She can look it up a lot easier than I can and get her hands on a lot more information than I can.  She can tell you more about each handicap then I can.

On another subject though, that’s why I said I have a great support system.  Because I have one PTA and one PTA assistant in my family.  I also have two massage therapists.  They will do anything for me all I have to do is ask.  Sometimes I do but most of the time I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask.  In fact I find it a lot easier to work with other therapists that I go to outside of my house once a week to an outpatient clinic.  Sometimes they help me and sometimes they don’t.  But the latest thing that I have found out that helps me is acupuncture.  I know a lot of people can’t take even the sight of needles.  Which is how I thought I would be.  But I am not that way at all.  I am actually going there once a week now.  You won’t probably like this too but I like anything to make me better.  That’s been helping me when I get in a real rut.  What I said earlier in this book is really came home to haunt me.  I have to learn to stay out of my parents fights and not get involved.  You probably know if you are currently thinking about divorce if your kids are verbal they can’t stay out of it.  Doesn’t’ that make it ten times worse?  Even if your kid’s nonverbal they hear you fighting and they get agitated.  Especially if it’s over them.   But one of my biggest pet peeves is when my parents talk about money to me.  They say they don’t have enough, one parent says they don’t have enough and then I go talking to the other parent and they say something else.  It just ends up in a vicious circle and it’s now one I’m in the middle of.  And no whole to get out of it.   I hate that feeling.  So that’s why I tried to tell you to stick it out but I know sometimes that kind of be impossible.  That’s quiet alright.  Don’t be offended if your loved one takes sides.  Because most kids will, most adults will to.  If they are not out of college yet, if they are out of college they kind of know not to take sides but it’s still hard not to take sides.  You are probably asking me how do I know this.  Because I have been around a lot of people a lot of kids I should say that have been involved in a divorce.  In fact I don’t know if I have told you already but counseling was one of my first desires for a career.  But then I came into some road blocks that I could’ve overcame but I chose not to.  They were requiring too much, not just out of me but out of my parents.  The degree I got is the next best degree I could have.  I don’t have to take any state exams/boards.  Which that is a plus.  I don’t do well on tests.  As you can probably tell I don’t do well on research either so far in this book.  Because I haven’t started the research part of it and I feel bad for doing it this way but this is the way I am doing it.  Because you probably heard me say stuff over and over again only in different words.  But there are some aspects that I can’t say enough about.  Like for instance having a good support system is a must.  If you don’t have a good support system please try to find a good councilor or somebody to talk to.  Because that will make a world of difference.  Because the world won’t feel like you’re just sitting still if you don’t have a good support system it will feel like you’re just sitting still with the world going around you so fast you can’t jump back on.  Like a runaway train that is falling off the tracks.  Is what you will feel like.  Even if you find a good counselor you still need to find someone that can try to be your support system.  Even though they may not be a good one.  As least you will have someone.  Like a brother or sister, or like a friend.  Or even someone you work with.  But most of the time that’s probably the category of your good friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something I cannot stand is being criticized over and over again for something I cannot control or being talked about behind my back.  For people that do not know me.  They call me Radar because I can hear people talking about me when they are totally in a different room with no door to separate the rooms.  Sometimes I even hear them clear across the house.  This is driving me insane so much my blood is boiling.  I wish my hearing was not that acute.  Because even some of the common household noises that no one else hears, I hear.  For example, when I really pay attention I hear when the heater kicks on.  When you hit the “On” button for the TV, I can hear that click.  It is getting worse as the TV’s advance.  So please pray for me that I don’t blow up on my supporting caregivers.  Like I did tonight.  So please pray that I have patience with all who I come in contact with and understanding of the circumstances.  Because I have constant issues with my disability getting in the way.  I don’t know if it is because I depend on other people to take care of my daily needs and I don’t have any personal space.  If I had the capability to do for myself what others do for me, I would  not always feel like they are invading my personal space which I know they are not doing.  But that is how I feel at times.  I don’t feel like I can do anything to avoid this situation.    However, this is how I really feel with my whole human existence.  I do not want my family members to put me in an extended care facility even though they may eventually feel a need.  For one thing, I do not think I would survive even a month in that type of facility.   I truly believe this with my whole heart and soul.  So my solution is to only go to an assisted nursing home for two week period at a time.  Then go to one of my family members’ homes for as long as they will have me.  Then go back into the assisted facility for another two weeks.  Repeat this cycle routinely

I do have a sound mind and it does work perfectly but my body is not perfect.  But by that I mean my body has a handicap but my mind does not.  It may have a learning disability but I do not have a mental handicap like some people assume.  For those people that think I am mentally handicapped, I am not.  Those people that think I am mentally handicapped do not know me very well.  All they have to do is get to know me and they realize I am a person just like they are but am trapped in a body that is just like a prison at times.  But more often than not my handicap is a blessing not a prison.  But sometimes it is still like a prison.  But that is mostly my fault.  Because that’s when I drag myself down in the dump.  We all know that place in life is hard to get out of once you get into it.  Once you get into that slump, it is easier to continue to go back.

I hate when people ask me what I think, when they don’t want to really know what I think.  I can tell it by their attitude, but most of the time I tell them what I think anyways.  It makes them as upset as myself for even saying it.  I don’t get mad until later when I realize I shouldn’t have said it to them.  If they really want to know what I thought they shouldn’t ask.  So it’s kind of their own problem and their own fault.  But I feel bad for even mentioning it, and I shouldn’t feel that bad as they brought it on by asking.  I hate when they ask me about money, especially my brothers and sisters not so much parents.  My brothers and sisters aren’t going to listen to me about money.  So why do they ask me when they’re not going to listen to me.  It hasn’t happened in a while so I think that is finally coming to an end.  Or they’re watching me saying “He doesn’t know anything about money” because of the way I spend it.  But I decide to spend it when I have it instead of them they decide to spend it when they don’t have it.  They decide to spend it when they have to use credit or a loan.  If I were to have a credit card, yes I would use it.  But, I would pay it off as soon as I got the bill so it didn’t have a balance and no interest.  Some of my family members besides my Mon and Dad don’t do it that way.  I will follow my parent’s habits.

I hate when people ask for my help and when I ask for help other than the obvious help I need every day they will not help me.  My biggest problem with that is when my parent’s told them they would help them with school.  My parent’s said if you will help Jon out through school, but yet they got out of that because of government assistance programs for the disabled.  Those that weren’t able to hold a job or in the process of going to school because their disability will not allow them to do both.  Because of that program my siblings got out of helping me with school.  That was one of the promises they made to my Mom and Dad.  If my Mom and Dad helped them with the cost of their college education.  So yes guess who gets the short end of the deal?  Me.  And I don’t think just because they didn’t have to help me with college that they should just get out of that deal all together.  I think when I ask for their financial help, they should at least actually try and give it to me.  As you can tell I am kind of the type that holds a grudge.  But I know I shouldn’t be.  But, that it’s one of my faults…what I know I shouldn’t do, I do.  And sometimes I do get mad over little things that I know I shouldn’t get mad at.  But as we all know that’s just part of being a human, and we can’t help it because that’s what we are.  No matter what way we look at it, that’s what we are.  We’re not like dogs or cats or any other animal.  But we’re very unique.  We are humans.  And humans think outside of the box.  And we can solve the problem.  Dogs and other species have problems solving their problems or they can’t solve their problems.  Either way we look at it they aren’t as smart as human beings are.  But we have to give them some credit.  But the truth is we don’t know how much credit to give them.  Sometimes I don’t think we give them enough credit.  But other times I think we give them too much credit but that’s just me.  Sometimes I think it’s who trained them and how good their training is.  I think they have to learn how to be taught how to be smart or how to be brainiacs.  But that goes for humans too so I don’t know what to think.   But I think humans have a much easier time than animals.  And I think humans can watch the other people do things.  In other words they learn by example.  Which I know dogs do to, but they have a lot harder time doing this than a human being does.

You know you affect somebody when you hear some of your own words in their writing.  When you know they would drop everything to come to your needs at a moment’s notice.  Some of these people may not know how to show it.   But, they would do the exact same thing.  They just don’t know how to communicate to you so they talk around you not at you.  Sometimes it gets so frustrating for me but sometimes I have to remember that just because they are talking around me doesn’t mean they don’t care for me.  In fact I think it means more to me that they are talking around me and not just ignoring me.  Even though sometimes I do feel that way and I just want to knock them  upside their head and say “ If you want to talk about me, talk about me to my face, don’t talk around me to your own brother and act like I’m not here because that pisses me off”.   You know something awesome is going to happen when you start something that you don’t think is going to get off the ground, but it slowly rises.  Like a kite taking off in the wind.  Some days your kite will do a real good job and then other days there will be days where it won’t take off at all.   I guess I’m surprised that I am getting hits on my blog from other parts of the world.  The fact is I can never get a real good solid count on who is reading my blog or for that matter whose life I touch, how many times a day I touch that person’s life.  How many times a day somebody thinks of me and gets a smile on their face, because I have touched their life a week ago, a month ago, and so forth.  The truth is I’ve been trying to increase my knowledge base on how to help with the little kids.  My biggest suggestion is trying to get a support system together while they’re little.  Not just for their sake but for your sake too.  If you can find a good psychologist or counselor try to use them to your advantage.  Because they may know some other people that you can put in your support system such as a speech therapist, PT, OT.  The other thing I would suggest is  if you’re a single parent get another family member involved to go to all the appointments because one person may not hear all the information.  You may get information overload and then you can go back and report to your support system on what the doctor said and on what that specialist said.  You won’t have to keep all the people in your support system forever.  You can drop them when you see fit.  However I would always suggest you keep a couple people as your main support system.  Because raising a handicap child is kind of difficult at times.  Other people may say this child can’t do this, but the truth is you don’t know unless you try.  I may have said this before but I don’t know if I have or not.  But, I have overcome lots of challenges and lots of roadblocks that people have put in my path or that they come up because of my disability.  Some of them I enjoy some of them I despise.  Those that I despise I look back and say “those are probably the best ones that I could overcome”, but some of those were some of the hardest things I have ever overcome in my life.

Everybody thinks I’m crazy for talking about somebody without mentioning names.  And they think it’s about them.  But, everybody needs to quit assuming it’s about them. Just read what I put and stop blaming themselves.  Because it’s not about blaming them.  This book is my thoughts and my thoughts matter just as much as everybody else’s.  The truth is I have problems just like everybody else other than my obvious problems.  Like my CP as my obvious problem.  But, I have other problems that I would consider major like I have problems talking to other people about my problems.  But, I have problems going to doctors, psychologists, and counselors.  Probably more than most.  Because I don’t trust doctors or counselors.  I haven’t been to a psychologist that I felt comfortable around talking to and such to talk to about my own problems.  That’s why everybody in my own family assumes that it’s about them.  The truth is there are many other people that I know besides them.  In fact I know so many people that I don’t know who I know and who I don’t, which could be a bad thing or a good thing.  Because I could take you for a stranger if you were walking on the street.  I could know you very well.  But, I just may not be able to place who you are at that moment in time.  So excuse me if I don’t know who you are but don’t recognize who you are.

The truth is I have lots of dreams just like you do.  I may have already said this.  But if I did I’m going to be restating what I already stated before.  It doesn’t matter who you know it matters how well you know that person.  I have several friends that I know and will consider them to be my good friends.  When we get together it’s like we can continue where we left off last.  I know for many of you this may be hard to believe.  But, I also have friends that used to be that way, and are no longer that way.  That’s a shame.  Because at that time of our relationship I swore to myself I would never lose that friend.  Now years have went by and I haven’t talked to any of my friends from high school since I graduated.  Every once in a while, I talk to them on facebook but that’s on their terms.   Kind of like them saying we don’t need you and that’s alright because if they are saying that to me, I say I don’t need them.  I don’t need their trash to clog up my life.  So pretty much all the friends I have now are my past nurses and my church, as well as my family.  Most of the people that are reading this and saying is that me are the ones that care about me the most, and they know me like the back of their hand.  I also know them like the back of my hand.  They are my family.

This book is going to bring up a lot of questions for them, myself, and you the fellow readers.  Like for instance how well you know your God.  How well do you know your family?  My family should have nothing to hide from me, I have nothing to hide from them.  If they are hiding something from me, I can usually figure it out in not to long of a time.

I will probably never get married, I know I shouldn’t say that because never is a long time.  But, the truth is right now at this point in time I don’t want to get married and I won’t get married until I feel like somebody knows me inside and out.  The truth is I shouldn’t say this but I don’t think anybody will take the time get to know me that well.  If they get to know me that well the second requirement is they have to be able to take care of my personal needs as well as love me for me not who they think I should be or any other way, love me for who I am.  They have to appreciate that my God comes right after them if not right before them.  If they want to have kids I’m fine as long as they want me to try.  But, my theory in that is if God wants me to have kids he will allow me to have them if he doesn’t that’s his will and that’s right.  I have the same concept about a wife.  If God wants me to be married he will show me the right girl, it will be the right time, and the right place.  I am not here to do anybody else right, but my God.

I will treat my brothers and sisters with respect to the best of my abilities at that time.  But they have to understand I mess up as well as any other human being will.  I probably mess up more, but I also make up for more than any other person does.  I realize I do stuff wrong every day and I try not to make excuses for it.    Something’s are harder to deal with than others.  I hate to be blunt here and all nasty but how would some you like a finger up your anus every day?  Well that’s just some of what I go through on a daily basis.  Every time I go out of my house I wonder how many people are staring at me?  Like what is he doing, he can’t control his own wheelchair, he probably doesn’t even have his mind.  This is why I’m writing this book to prove to people that I do have a mind that I do have a right to be on this earth.  I might be very blunt in some of what I say but most of what I say is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  Just ask my siblings they will tell you how true that comment is.   Some people don’t truly think I’m going to write a book.  The truth is I started this book a long time ago and never got it done because my computer crashed and I had to start from scratch.  After I lost what I had I thought maybe the book writing wasn’t for me.  But, since I’ve been doing a blog and have been blogging for a while now I realized that writing is for me when fellow bloggers started following me and liking my post it as well went real wide so therefor I know this writing is what I am supposed to be doing.

Many people have said that Heaven is for real, the truth is because it is.  Who else but God himself made the Earth and made people to not image but his image?  We just have to maintain his image.  The hard part about that is where people don’t follow his image, they want to follow free will.  The truth is yes God gave us free will, yes God gave us free will for a reason so that we would know right from wrong and wrong form right.  But, what people don’t realize is that there are many things that could be right and could be wrong.  There are many different ways that we can approach different things.  Many different people don’t go to God and ask him for his guidance.  Many people just do it how they think it should be done and hope it’s the right way.  I’m telling you many times it is the right way but many times it’s just the opposite.  Not wrong or right.  Or it could be very wrong, or very right.  We will never know until we get up to our Savior.   That’s where we have to trust in our Creator just like all of us trust can trust our parents.   But, many of us choose not to and that’s a right out shame.  Because they are just trying to do what’s best for you.  They really do have your best interest at heart.  Just think you couldn’t be put up for adoption or even worse abortion.  Only one of those is the right thing to do and that’s adoption in my eyes.  The other one is just plain out right murder.  Most of the time it isn’t the parents fault that they made that choice to walk into an abortion center.  Most of the time it’s because they were led up to in by that I mean talked into it by somebody else.  So what I am trying to say is don’t blame somebody from getting an abortion because most of the time it’s not truly all their decision.  They may look back on it and they wished they never did that, in fact I know one day probably sooner than later they will that to somebody.  They will probably be trying to talk to somebody out of what they went through eventually.  Because it doesn’t take only the baby’s life it takes a part of the mother too.  So after reading this stand up with me and speak against abortion and in other words murder.  Not for the mother but for the doctors that don’t talk them out of it.  For the doctors that are still in practice, even though they shouldn’t be.  They are sooner or later going to pay for that decision when they have to face our Creator and he is full of kindness and he knows how to be kind, but I think he also knows how to say “ enough is enough is enough”.  There are people that say Hitler’s in Heaven but in my kind heart  and believe me I’m the kindest person you ever met, and in my kind heart there is no beeping way he’s in Heaven.

In fact there are some days I think why am I here?  Then I look at the world and I say it’s because of all the lives I’m going to continue to touch.  I have touched thousands of lives already.  I can’t fathom how many more millions/ trillions it could even go to infinity and beyond on how many people I will have touched.  Even people from other countries.  There are some people that think I’m crazy saying that, but I know it’s the truth.  There are some people that say handicap does change a person’s outlook on life dramatically.  That’s true too.  I can’t fathom to begin to believe how many people are waiting on the other side to welcome me into Heaven.  Yes I said into Heaven.  People are going to stare at this book and say “how do you know that you are already going to heaven?” Because some people just have an instinct.  When you have instinct most of the time and when you follow that instinct you will be right.  Most of the time your instinct won’t lead you on the wrong path.   In fact I found that my instinct lead me to and closer to God.  Because believe it or not at one time I was looking for a way out to speak.  A way out of the faith, a way out of this earth.  But, then I realized I can’t be in my right mind.  When I was thinking those things.  I mean don’t get me wrong there is no right way or wrong way to get to Heaven.  But, when you are considering suicide to get out of this earth you will only obtain a ticket either to purgatory or straight to hell.  I hate to say this, but I know a few people that did turn their life completely around that did deserve a ticket straight to hell.  Now they have turned their life around so they are on the right path.  We can never tell a person what faith to be, how to believe, what to believe, and so forth and so forth.  We can never tell somebody that they are practicing their faith the wrong way, because the truth is it may be the right way for them.   We never know what the right way is for those human beings to practice their faith.  All we can do when they ask for help is to try to help them the best we can or try to lead them to help the best we can.  When we see that they are having difficulties and they don’t ask for help it’s our business to try to help them but if they don’t ask we have to be ready on the sidelines to help them when they do ask for help.  But, don’t try to pry into their personal life and force the help on them because then you will force them further away.  That will do no good.

More about my wishes.  At one time I wanted to be a cop or a fire fighter.  At one time I also wanted to be a person that works on computers.  But pretty soon after I wanted to do two of these things my hope was blown to pieces.  Then about one year after I got out of high school my brother said computers would be a bad idea too.  Because of my eyes.  So then I had to rethink all my lifelong plans and believe me that was hard to swallow.  I then went to being able to work with people such as a counseling degree.  Which I do have a major in but it’s only an associates, I have a bachelor’s degree in organizational leadership in which I am stuck at currently without a job.   Which is hard, because I look at all my friends and family and say “why couldn’t that be me?”  Not that I am jealous in any way because all my siblings wouldn’t be where they’re at today without me.  That’s true the other way around also.  Because I have a really great support system within my family.  My parents are included in that.

My parents have taken and continue to take really good care of us.  In fact we were poor but our parents have an amazing way of making it seem like we weren’t that poor.  To be honest with you, the first time my oldest sister realized that we were poor was when she missed a day of school and the teacher said take this home and watch this video she had to say we didn’t have a VCR.  That was the first time that any of us realized we were poor.

I think all kids do go through a stage where they lie.  I went through that stage forever.  Probably way after I was supposed to be out of it.  But, I was so good at it that I had my teachers convinced that my parents were getting a divorce; that my Dad was staying here with us kids, and that my Mom was moving to New York.   I don’t know how long I had them believing this before they finally called my Mom and said “We heard you are getting a divorce” and she said “oh yeah where are you hearing this from?’  I don’t know how it turned out from there, that’s all I can remember.  But, that was the last time I ever told a lie that big.  I never got the belt but once in my life and I don’t even know what it was for.  I don’t even recall how bad it hurt, but I do remember getting the belt.  I think the worse part of it was when my Dad pulled it out of his belt loops.  That’s the part I remember most from it.  Otherwise I had a pretty easy childhood, a pretty easy life.  In fact I still do.

Believe it or not I do tithes to my religion more than 10%.  But, I don’t tithe it to the church.  I have a child I foster from a foreign country.  Other than that I spend the money I get on myself in fact some of you are probably saying he was a room better than I do.  But, I don’t spend my money frugally.  I try to spend it wisely and when I do spend it frugally which I try not to do very much I try to get out of that stage very quickly.  I do pretty well at it actually.  I do find things to keep me busy.  Like playing on the computer, watching tv or movies, listening to music, and my favorite one of them all is listening to town gossip on my scanner.  But, there’s also a reason for that too.  I am kind of a prayer warrior for my surrounding town’s fire and police department.  So every time they are called out to something dangerous I pray for them.  Unfortunately I live by the hospital so I hear all the care flights go out as well as they go over my house.  Most of the time at night they even wake me up.  Yes I am that in tune with my surroundings.  As I’ve told you before it drives me crazy sometimes, almost to the point of no return.   But yet I always do find a way to return to my sanity.  Or what other people call my crazy life.  I love my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world, even my handicap.

Even though my handicap is kind of the elephant in the room.  It can be my best friend or even sometimes the complete opposite my worst enemy.  I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Because it can be other people’s best friend to or it can be their worst enemy.  But, if it’s their worst enemy they have some major issues to go through too.  If I can help them go through that I will.  In fact if they stay working with me or around me long enough, their attitude will dramatically change.  I know some handicap people can be excuse my language but they can be buttholes or I meant to assholes.  Because they think the world owes them everything.  This world doesn’t owe them everything.  In fact the world doesn’t owe them anything more than you or I.  But, they think the world owes them everything and they are going to try and get it.   Those are the biggest snobbiest people I know.  Because they try to get two apples out of one apple seed, you know what I mean?  One apple seed is not going to furnish two apples.  It’s only going to produce one apple, and maybe if you plant an apple seed it will grow another apple tree.  But, each apple has plenty of seeds in it which you don’t see twin apples.  You only see one apple split up into two apples.  You might see one big apple, never are you going to see apples break into two.  If you didn’t know what I meant, now you do.  It may be the stupidest explanation around but I am not very good at explanations.   That’s why I am not running a dictionary.  I am writing this book so people know what I am going through.

I wasn’t picky when it came to getting through high school.  All I asked for was an elevator and diploma.  There was other people in that school that asked for more material goods, did that get them anywhere?  No.  In fact I don’t even think that person has their diploma to this day.  Look what I have.  I have a college degree.  All I asked for was what I had the right to ask for.  I didn’t ask for anything else but what I had the right to ask for.  Like, they said I didn’t have to take the proficiency but my parents said I will take them.  That I had right to do, low and behold I passed all of them with a 16 which is average.  If some of you don’t know you have to pass those to get a regular diploma.  Otherwise you just get a certificate of attendance.  I wasn’t going through school just to get a certificate of attendance.  I was going there because I knew I could pass high school to get a high school diploma.  Then I was going to try college.  And little did I know college would be a little bit easier but also harder on other pieces of the puzzle.  Such as the fact I didn’t have the same person giving me all of my tests.  In fact all of my tests were given to me by another student.  That you wouldn’t think would be that hard, but for me it was.   Because it was somebody new that I didn’t know and they didn’t know my speech better.  So therefore true and false, and multiple choice were the tests I did most.  The test I passed the most.  If you wanted me to fail all you had to do was give me a fill in the blank test.  In fact there was one there was one class where a professor knew I was getting the subject, but he could tell on the test that I wasn’t getting it down on paper.  He came to me and asked me why.  He more less told me your dad will be giving you your next test.  So he did.  Needless to say I got a better grade than I expected to get in that class.  There were a lot of professors in my college that weren’t just there for their job but for the students.  I think the students mattered to them more than their pay check.  You don’t see very many professors out there that are like that.  In fact you see many professors from many different colleges that you want to stay away from.  But, my college experience was a little bit different.  That could have been for many different reasons.  I won’t go into them.  But, it wasn’t because we were the teacher’s pet.  We had to work our ass off for what we got.  But, as long as they knew we were trying they were going to try their damndest   to help us out with our grade.  As long as they knew we were trying they were not going to fail us.  As soon as they saw we weren’t trying they quit helping us.  They quit helping people that weren’t trying.  Believe you me there is some kids out there that think college is still high school.  I got news for them if they think that way, they are going to fail out of college.  Because there was a time or two I thought I was going to fail out of college.  In fact I thank God every day that I got out of college and passed college when I did, and that I got my degree when I did.  Because there is a part of me that thinks I couldn’t do it if I had to do it again.  But, there is another sided of me that wants to go back.  It might seem weird that I’m saying this but to be around more people and to have a social life.  I do have a social life now but it’s now how I want it to be.  At least when I was at school I had my mind occupied with school work, homework, and my friends.  Now I just have to make up stuff for me to do.  Because the economy and the government won’t allow me to get a job, even though they want me to get a job the stuff they want me to do to get that job they won’t allow me to do.  So here I am stuck writing a book about them which I know part of me says I shouldn’t include this part in the book.  But, there is also part of me that says I should.  Because if I don’t speak out about it and put it in this book nobody will get my message.  And my message is this “Don’t fake out the people that you want to get a job by telling them they have to get a job, make their stuff they have to have to get a job easier than Heaven to get instead of making it harder than Heaven to get the stuff they need why don’t they instead say they will pay the first time and then place a time period on them to wait to get the upgraded technology.  Don’t count the stuff they used in high school as part of the stuff they received.  Make it after they graduate instead of right when they get a piece of technology out of their own pocket.  Or out of the government’s pocket.  However you want to put it.  That’s just one of my pet peeves.  As you will see later I have many pet peeves if you can’t tell that already.” 

  This book is going to be confusing to follow because now I’m going to go to religion.  I think religion is very important as I do my God.  These are not one in the same.  They are close, but they are not the same thing.  You can belong to a religion but I believe you don’t have to believe everything they believe.  Some people would disagree with me.  But, I would like to argue with them that I believe it’s not how you believe it’s what you believe in.  I believe in the same God they believe in.  Only I might believe in him in a different way.  Like I believe in one baptism and one God.  There are some religions out there that believe in several Gods.  You can be baptized at any time you want.  But there’s some religions that are close to mine that only believe in one baptism.  Those are the faiths I like the most, and that I believe in the most.  I don’t know much about any other faith but my own and the one that is most like mine.  Which right now is escaping me.  Any way I believe that baptism can take away your original sins up until that point you are baptized.  Then I believe all you have to do is ask and be really sincere and then your sins will be free again.  But, that’s not what my faith says.

 

My faith says you have to go to confession and tell another human being that is supposedly sitting in for Christ ll your sins since the last time you’ve been to confession.  Then he will say a prayer over you that is called absolution.  You are then forgiven for your sins.   But, I have a hard time with that concept as I imagine many people do.  I would rather pray and be really sincere than go to another human being to commit my life story to.  Which I don’t know if he’s going to keep it a secret or not.  I know he’s supposed to but does he?  Probably but we will never know.  He has made mistakes just like the rest of us.  I don’t know if I can trust them with my sins.  I know I’m supposed to because I know he’s supposed to be God but he doesn’t look like God on that cross suffering for all my sins.  He just looks like a normal human being that I know can make mistakes.  I know he does.   Therefore it’s hard to say all of my sins to him, and it’s hard to be sincere.  So therefore I have a hard time going to confession like I imagine many of you do if you go to confession at all.  Or if you even go to church at all.

 

I know you can believe in anything and not go to church at all, I know you cannot believe in religion and not go to church at all and make it to Heaven just as well as I can.  It’s just that your road may be a little harder and bumpier than my road.  But, I’m not saying that you can’t do it and nobody else should say it either because that would be judging.  We are not supposed to judge but there are some people on this Earth that don’t believe in anything.  They only believe in their life is done when it’s done.   They begin life as fast as it they are going to end.  That’s a shame to them.  It’s like they don’t have anything to look forward to.  They don’t see any point in life.  You can tell it in their attitude.  If you know what I mean.  If you don’t know what I mean here’s an example:  They walk around like they have a big chip on their shoulder and they don’t care that it’s there.  If they have family and kids they only care about their family and kids.  They don’t care about the other people in their community or ignore the people that are all around them that they sometimes work for.  That is no way to be especially if you want to maintain and keep a job not just get fired all of the time.  Yeah, if you have an attitude like that you’re probably going to get fired all the time and looking for a new job all the time, or be working some place like Walmart or Kmart where most of the time you are by yourself.  Those are not very high paying beneficial jobs so you may have to work many of those jobs to get somewhere in life.  Excuse me if you’re walking around with a big chip on your shoulder excuse me but you deserve that kind of life.  I am not one to judge very quickly but that is another pet peeve of mine because there are people that want a job and can do your job well but are stuck because you are in their position or the person that has the big chip on their shoulder has their position.  If you want a job you have to maintain a good attitude.   Most of the time a good attitude does not include having a big chip on your shoulder of being a self-centered bitch.   But that’s just one person’s opinion.  Take it for what it’s worth.

Conversion is a lifelong process

There are many conversions we all have to go through in in life.  Such as a death of a loved one, Such as another loved one going and joining another faith, your faith is a lifelong process and you may have many turns and many different curves come up.

Addiction

Such as a person on drugs in your family.

Such as a school that doesn’t teach religion

-Many schools don’t teach religion in fact you have to go to certain schools for your own specific religion.  Many parents can’t afford this that to why they are sending their child to public schools.  Which don’t teach them religion all because of the separation between church and state or something like that.  Many people don’t want to switch religions, because they are used to that.  That is what their family does.

But what is wrong with it?

Many people don’t want to make their family upset.  But their family doesn’t realize what faith you choose, they are all going to get into Heaven.  Maybe some faiths will have a different road but they are all going to get into Heaven.

So what does that mean?

It means you should go with your heart and not with what just your mind says.  If you want to go to a different religion because you think it’s better for you, why not?  Because after all it’s about you, your life is about you.  It’s not about what other people think.  It’s about you after all, it’s not about what other people think.  It’s just about you.  You have to remember that. More religions are coming out with classes you have to take to become that religion

Like my religion is called RCIA, which just means adult education for my religion.  But, some religions are called different things.  It doesn’t matter.  It all boils down to its just classes to understand the religion in which you are joining.  If they don’t have this sort of thing it’s a shame.  In fact people that are acquiring about different religions should have to research that religion before committing to it.

For their own personal needs

When you are faith searching you are not that committed to your creator.  All that leads to unhappiness.  Trust me, because I’ve been there before in my faith journey.  All that leads to unhappiness again.  So my conclusion to this PowerPoint is to not push anybody to be a certain faith unless you know your own faith inside and out.  The truth is nobody is that secure in their religion to tell people what faith they are to be.  So what I’m saying is don’t try to keep people from going to other faiths.  Don’t try to keep people in your same faith if they don’t want to be.  If you’re not happy with your religion, try searching for a a different church first before you go faith searching.  Because faith searching takes a lot out of you.  When you feel like you’re not committed to one faith, you’re not that committed to your creator.

Do you really know your bible, or do you only know parts of your bible that the priest/pastor has taught?

When you only know half of the bible it’s like only knowing half of your Lord.  Do you really only  want to know half of your Lord?  Or do you want to know every piece of him?  I would think you would want to know every piece of him.  Like want to.  It’s really important to know the whole bible not just parts of it.

Fishing, my saying that I love so much is:

If you give somebody a fish you fixed them by a meal, if you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime.  In fact I would rather feed somebody for a lifetime than just one meal.  I think that would be what my God wants me to do.

Wouldn’t that be want what you wanted to do, or what would you want to do?  Would you want to do the just thing?

I would want to do the just thing.  But, I know several people that wouldn’t do the just thing.  But, I also know several people on the other end that work their tails of literally.  I mean I know some people don’t sit down from dawn to dusk such as farmers.  I think all farmers are God born Christians their entire life.  Some of them have been working in the business since they were 16 yrs. old or old enough to help their parents do the housework.

Here we go jumping around again.  But in my family we had to know what we wanted and say what we wanted, otherwise it wouldn’t get done.  I am not to good at that still, in fact I don’t think I am ever going to be good at that.  Because it’s not in my personality.  Because my personality is completely different than everybody else.  I am not worried about by myself.  I worry about other people to much, and what I say what I think they want me to say.  I know this is a bad habit and I am trying to break it.  But, just the day before yesterday my sister brought up to me that I should say what I want to say not what I think they want to hear.  But, when you have such a caring personality sometimes you don’t even realize it.  I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Another thing is because of my disability I don’t say please and thank you as much as I should.   The thing that I want would be an automatic thing that they would do for themselves.  So I don’t think I should say please and thank you for an automatic thing they would get up and do their self.  Such as getting up to get a drink, I have to ask for this stuff.  Also this is going to be kind of gross but I have to ask them to change me.  Yes I do know when I have to go, but because sometimes I can’t get there fast enough I have to wear depends.  Believe me that sucks.  Because then you go through the whole issue of who is paying for those depends, do I pay for them out of my own pocket?  Does the government?  So far it’s been a little bit of both.  When I run out my parents have to get a box of depends off the internet.  Yes they are expensive.  Just like any other medical supplies they are expensive.  Just like yesterday I went in for a routine tube change that is considered a surgery.  Unfortunately I have to do that every six months.  But, as of yesterday the doctor said if he can find the stuff and get it to us he would let us do it so that’s the way we are going to try and go.  In fact I think we already got a mickey tube coming off line.  I know there are places that sell them.  Because I hear of other handicap people putting them in their self.  I know there is a way that we can get them, but we don’t know that way yet other than good old ebay.  Then you don’t know how safe that is, but thank God it’s not a terrible procedure.  Because once it goes into your stomach your stomach is not sterile so therefore it doesn’t have to be a sterile environment you just want to make sure your hands are clean when you do it.  That kind of basic stuff.  The same thing he said to me, it may not be basic to you.  But another thing is if you have somebody with a handicap you learn everything you can do by yourself.  So you don’t have to go into a doctor’s office so often because that can get kind of pricey.  Especially now a days.   So my suggestion to you is to learn to take care of the easy stuff yourself if the doctor will teach you.  Because it will end up saving you thousands of dollars in the long run.  It may even save them from making a mistake like they did on me, not on me this time but the last time.  They didn’t put saline water in the balloon so it gradually deflated overnight.  At that time I was going down to Miami Valley hospital for a doctor.  So I had to go their emergency room.  At that time they said it would close up within two hours.  The doctor I saw yesterday said I had at least four hours.  Don’t quote me on that because some things can grow faster and some slower it just depends on the person.  That is something I never want to happen to me, because I would never want to go through that whole surgery again.  Just the surgery to put it in is a simple surgery but the surgery to place the tube in the stomach is a totally different surgery.  Yeah it is the same surgery but it has a lot more involved.  I can handle the surgery to replace it in fact I don’t consider this surgery.  I consider this something you guys can accomplish if you had a tube ready to put in.  Which says a lot about my parents.  Which some of my doctors in Dayton let my mom and dad take care of me all they could legally.  Because they say they know me better.  To be honest with you whenever I go to the hospital I go to the hospital because I have no other options.  So basically if I stay home I am going to have a hard time surviving without antibiotics.  I need antibiotics just to get better most of the time.  They are not just antibiotics I take by mouth, a lot of times these antibiotics are given by IV.  But it doesn’t help any that I don’t like hospitals to begin with.  Because when I go into hospitals I usually can’t sleep for like the first 24 hrs.  But, I am getting better at that.  That could be bad or good.  I used to not be able to sleep nowhere but on my own bed.  Now that I spent nine long months in a hospital I have no problems sleeping in a strange bed.  Because when I was at the hospital it was either sleep or don’t sleep and I couldn’t go nine months without sleep but the first weak was a bear.  Even worse than the whole nine months.  Because I couldn’t get to sleep no matter what.  In fact people were begging me to go to sleep.  I could easily do it during the day but not at night.    Even then there were sometimes I wouldn’t go to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up again.  That was the first time that I ever really confronted that were not going to be here forever.  So now I live for today.  I live for the moment, I live for the hour, I don’t live for tomorrow.  I live like today is going to be my last day, I do make plans for tomorrow but they are just plans.

Now I am going to tell you something that I am having a hard time dealing with.  I imagine everybody in a similar situation as mine would have the same thing happen to them.  One of my best friends that took me for who I really was and saw the true me didn’t hold the wheelchair against me.  In fact he saw my wheelchair as a part of me, which is hard for a lot of people to do.  He was on some meds for bipolar and depression.  Something made him say “ I don’t need this anymore” and please don’t ever do that.  Because it could end up in a similar situation just like I’m telling you now.    Several years ago my friend committed suicide.  Still to this day, I have been impacted in him committing suicide.  Something’s are good and something’s are bad.  Like every time I hear someone committed suicide I automatically think of him.  But, without him I don’t want to say without him but without him doing it I don’t want to say it was a good thing but without him doing what he did I don’t think I would be where I am today writing this book, being a college graduate which is the greatest and I want to go back for me but I haven’t got the courage to go back.  I know I should go back, but I have a feeling if I do I will be stuck in the same spot I am now and not be able to have all of these degree’s and not be able to put it to use.  I don’t think it’s fair to you guys as taxpayers to pay my way.  But, I also know if I go back that’s what is going to happen.  But anyway he was the reason why I got into the field I am in counseling, and then organizational leadership.  Because I found out counseling you couldn’t really get anywhere without a masters and to get my masters I would have to go to Dayton.  I can’t travel to Dayton every day for classes and I cannot stay there in a dorm with people that help me get dressed and stuff like that.  Because I wouldn’t know if they were going to show up to do their job or not.  I couldn’t grab the phone and ask them either.  So if they didn’t show up I would be in a world of hurt.  That is why I switched my majors to be able to get it done locally and thank God I did, because I met some of the nicest people that I know through college.  In fact I think I already told you this but in fact college was even easier than high school.  I was a C student in high school and when I got out of high school I went into college and my grades improved drastically.  I don’t know what that was because of.  But, I ended up with a 3.22 grade point average which my brother and sisters are jealous of because they didn’t do that good.

So therefore they are happy for me but they’re jealous of my accomplishment at the same time.  But that’s part of the reason why I graduated with no debt to my name.  Believe me that is hard to do graduating with no debt to my name that is.  I was thinking I would have a little bit of money to pay back.  But that also showed people that staying close to home really paid off.  Because if I would have went to Wright States main campus I would have room and board on top of my tuition.  Which one government agency said I would have to pay for it myself.  I would have the option of using my tuition or using them to pay my tuition or paying my room and board but thank God I never had to make that decision.  Thank God I found something I would like to do and think I would be good at kind of fits within my train of thoughts to begin with to have my profession I still think one of these days I’m going to become a professional speaker.  This book is just a starting up point.  Hopefully one of these days that dream will come true.  I do have a lot to say to the public.  But figuring out how to say it is going to be the hardest problem.  Because with my speech and my volume problem I think I might run into some issues.  But if I had this book to fall back on to kind of lead me on where to go and how to go I know I will have to leave some parts out for schools and stuff because our government is stupid and won’t allow religion into our schools.  Which is by the way I think ridiculous.  It kind of upsets me but as you will learn later in the book government is kind of one of things that upsets me too.  It is one of the things that’s one of my passions too.  Because I love diving into stuff such as how government works.  How the Supreme Court works.  Which I know some of from my high school days but am going to have to research it more because I’m sure I forgot some things about it to.  I honestly enjoy but hardly ever listen to it is watching how the stock market is doing.  So you can see I have a lot of love for business.  And would love to start my own business someday.  In fact I kind of hope to before you even hear the title of this book get on the shelves, but I don’t know if I will get that far.  I have a love for helping people in need.  Such as helping people in natural disasters, or helping people that need help in third world countries whom don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  I love helping some of the women shelters in my local area.  I want to start volunteering at a Goodwill but that’s one of my goals I hope to accomplish before this book comes out.  But I don’t know if I will get that done either.  So as you see I have a lot of great intentions but don’t follow through which hopefully will get better by doing this book.  But being this is my fifth attempt at this book and hoping it will be my last attempt at this book.  I don’t my luck changing any time soon other than getting this book out.  Even though I do have one reason I want to get this book out.  Because I want to give people encouragement and try to keep people from committing suicide because they couldn’t get help.  If I change one persons life that would be good enough for me.  If I keep changing peoples lives like I’m doing now already that would be even more encouraging.  That I would have to keep writing books.  So after this book is out, I am not going to be one of those authors that don’t want to receive contact from my readers.  I want to receive contact from my readers so I know where I should go with my next book.  Because after I get this book out I want to keep writing not for financial purposes either.  So people can learn from what I have to say.  People have some good readings out there to read.  I know people already have good readings out there to read, but most are not true stories.  Mine is as true as true can get.  In fact I am going to tell you those true stories now.  One day I was walking around Kmart and my sister was carrying me and I was resting my head on her shoulder.  We got up to the cashier and the cashier said “is the little boy tired?” I said no Bitch!  Then she said “what did he say?” my sister said “oh he just said yeah”.  As we were walking away I said you “fucking bitch” again.  So as you can tell I have a very foul mouth on me.  But that is because sometimes if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it through my day or my handicap.  Because people like to discriminate against me, people like to ignore me like I’m not even there when I am truly sitting in a chair.  They like to ignore me like they don’t even see the chair or the person sitting it.  I’ve probably already said this to you once, it’s one of my pet peeves and you will probably keep hearing it over and over again.  Because it is one of my highest pet peeves.  That alone is the quickest way to piss me off.  Just pretend like I’m not even there The other one is knowing that I’ there and just talking around, that will really piss me off and very quickly.  So one of my things I’m going to tell you is talk to a handicap person just like you would talk to a regular person even if you don’t know if they can comprehend or not.  It will probably make their mom or dad or whoever is with them day or even their week.  They may even say something to you like oh my God that’s the first time somebody has ever treated my daughter with respect or something like that.  Have you ever been told it takes some respect to receive some respect?  So the next time you want to be treated with respect just remember that, it takes some to receive some.  Or sometimes it just takes respect to change somebody’s attitude for that day.  You might change their mood from a bad mood to a good mood for the rest of that day or a couple days.  You never know in this world how many lives you’re going to affect.  But just doing one simple thing and another simple thing you can do is smile.  You know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  So why don’t more people smile it would probably hurt their face less.  It will change their attitude and people can tell your smiling in your voice when you’re on your phone.  That is a proven fact.

I don’t know how to do what my brother wants me to do.  He said his wife told him that if I needed her to she would sign up and do a walk with me.  I haven’t told you this organization yet.  It’s called Canine Companions for Independence.  They can help any person with a disability either mental or physical.  Yes it’s just like a Seeing Eye dog.  In fact they even do classes for that too.  But mostly what I have is I canine for Independence which can help me pick up stuff as well as retrieve things for me.  Some dogs can even pull their chairs.  But you have to have the hand strength to hold onto a handle while the dog pulls you along.  Plus I don’t have that hand strength.  So I wasn’t taught how to use that command.  But to be honest with you if I ever got the hand strength and I wanted to learn that command I would teach my dog until it knew that command in the back of his head.  Because I was doing a training exercise with him this weekend.    I was surprised but he was able to remember because they were some of the commands I don’t use at all.  But once he got it in his head it was like riding a bike never forgetting how.  I am glad I got him, I got a dog from this organization.  As I have told you before they do other kinds of stuff.  Like hearing dogs.  Where if they hear a sound that you can’t hear they come and get you.  Or if they hear a phone ring they will do another type of alert.  If they hear a door bell they will go to the doorway and sit.  If they hear the door knock, they go to the door and scratch at it.  One of the most important things is if they hear fire alarms, they can also alert you to that.  But I don’t know much about those dogs, because they separate us out into individual classes.  So that’s why I don’t know much about those type of dogs.   But I do know they are a very expensive organization to run.  It is all done by a nonprofit organization.  So in another words it’s all done by you and myself donating.  So if at all possible when you read this, give it some thought and maybe possibly donate.  I have a lot of organizations I can tell you about and talk about.  One of the organizations in my town is called Family Resources.  They help with anything from personal hygiene care products to getting wheelchairs including getting a handicap accessible van to making your house as handicap accessible as it can be within their means.  Which not very many people have a company that supports handicap people, but I know of one family that had their whole house built just because where their dad worked was that generous.  Like I said I have only heard of a company doing that once.  It was kind of like doing make a wish but they didn’t have to have apply to make a wish.  Which is another organization I want to discuss.  I don’t know much about it.  I do know you have to be a kid to enter it.  So you have to know about it early which I unfortunately didn’t hear about it until I was older.  By the time I looked it up it was already too late for me to apply.  So what I’m telling you is to apply for everything you know about when you know about it, don’t wait as you may not be able to get that application.  The longer you wait they may have a waiting list you have to be on for several years.  Some churches may be able to help, it depends on what denomination you are and  on how willing the congregation   is able to help you.  Every once in a while you might get a job that is flexible around appointments but I doubt it.  I was lucky when I was in school.  I had appointments my mom worked nights.  She was able to take me to my appointments.  But like I said I don’t know many employers where I could do that unless you have flex time, which a lot of places are offering now.  But I am kind of out the loop and I wish I was in the loop more.  But, that’s because I don’t have a job and I wish I had a job already if you’ve been reading and can comprehend anything in my book.  I don’t want to sound rude there but I may have come off rude.  I know I don’t need to apologize because it’s my book and I can do whatever I want.  But my feelings are I need to apologize because it’s the right thing to do.

  I don’t know much about this person but she has been mentioned to me a lot.  She has a couple books out herself.  Her name is Joni Eareckson Tada.  I heard about her several times.  When I just nearly forgot her I remember her for some reason.  I think this time it’s because she has an origination that gives to the poor in other countries.  She also gives wheelchairs to the handicap in other countries that otherwise can’t afford it.  She is doing what I eventually hope to do.  That is help needy people that have a handicap from other countries.  Not from America.  I’m not trying to be racist or anything like that.  I just think the needy in America can learn to help themselves.  The ones that can’t need to go back to where they came from.  But that’s just my opinion.  Don’t hold it against me.  Just because I am handicapped everybody thinks I always have to be nice.  That’s the wrong conclusion not every handicap person is nice.  I am tired of every person making excuses for me and making assumptions about me when they are unfounded and they have no reason to make a conclusion about me.  That’s why I like Joni Eareckson so much because she has never let a neck injury stop her.  In fact it drew her closer to God.  Which a lot of people don’t think can happen.  But I am telling you a disability can draw you closer to god and it will.  Hopefully this book will do that.  Not just for one person but for several people.  I am not going for countries I am going for being able to impact nations.  This might take me a while but I will do it in my lifetime.  If not in my lifetime I will leave enough info that other people can do it, even though I’ve passed.  My brain is not made for just sitting in a chair.  My brain was made to be used.  My brain has not been impacted by my disability as I may have already told you.  Just my body but now my mind.  As the title of the book which should lead you to think my brain isn’t just mush.  There is something in there and I am going to use it to the best of my ability.

 

Now I am going to talk to you about school systems.  This one is hard because you don’t want to ask to much or ask too little and not get what you need.  But it’s kind of hard when you don’t know how much your kid can comprehend.  So that’s where the school system should do their part and test your child.  The way school sytems are now but in a way if you know they know more and you think the school system is trying to cut corners don’t let them do that because they tried to do that with me and I wouldn’t have a college education if my mom and dad wouldn’t have pushed them so hard.  Like they tried to tell me I think I told you this before.  But they tried to tell me I didn’t have to take proficiency test but my parents insisted on me taking them.  I am glad they did.  Because without passing the proficiency test I would have just got a certificate of attendance.  Which would have met I wouldn’t have been able to go to college which I really wanted to do.  I know one of these days I want to go back and shove that degree in their face.  Because I think I’m the only one that was in the specialized classes that got a degree.  That got a college degree.  But, I would kind of blame it on the school system because if they didn’t think the kid could do something they didn’t make them try very hard, and I don’t think they are trying very hard.  Like right now where they have no child left behind.  I don’t know quite what that means.  But I am kind of glad they have that in the school system because every child will know how to read now and at least in some form to the best of their ability.  I can’t read and I think it was because when I was capable of learning how to read they didn’t take the time or the effort to teach me how to read, but even then I don’t know that I could read.  I don’t know when they actually stopped teaching me how to read but I think they should’ve taught me where I was at until the day I was out of school.  They should’ve hired a teacher one on one for me or at least given me a tutor one on one for me.  At least until I could learn how to do my sight words.  Now the only way I can kind of read is by hearing the word then saying the word.  Kind of like closed captioning but I like to leave the volume on.  But even then it sometimes they go too slow or too fast and they are behind or ahead.  One of the two.  I don’t know how to fix that either besides the closed captioning people and I don’t know who they are.  I can pick some words out of a list after I know what the first letter is but other than that I can’t even spell.  So in another words don’t ask me to spell something and don’t expect me to know it unless you know the first couple letters and then give me a couple options to pick form there I can then tell you which one it is.  But I am basically telling you don’t give up on your kid when you know they can doing something better than the school is allowing them.  Because they are doing a disservice to you and your child.  And to the rest of the community.  I understand that sometimes people get burned out, but don’t let yourself get burned out take a couple moments for yourself every now and then.  Even if it’s just 5 minutes here and there it is better than nothing.  Because I know a lot of you are divorced parents.  Which that has to be hard.  I don’t know how my parents did it let alone divorced parents.  Not saying you can’t do it, just saying good luck the forces are against you.  So good luck again.  Because even when a disabled kid has both parents it’s hard.  In fact that’s one of the causes of a divorce….a disabled child.  Because they get into fights about their child.  They finally say that’s it but if you get a divorce because of the disabled child don’t get a divorce because the child will still be there no matter what, no matter whether you’re together or apart.  The only difference is your living situation.  That may be hard to look at the other person daily, but just remember this is what God chose for you.  This is what God chose for your family.  You just have to choose how you’re going to accept it.  I don’t know how to tell you to accept it.  But I can tell you this, it’s going to be hard for both of you and that disable child may be even some other children.  Because fighting over that disabled child isn’t going to go away.  That child isn’t going to go away.  So you might as well just try staying together and just try to work it out.  It may be hard now and it may be hard for a while, but it promise you if you are getting a divorce only because of that child and that child knows it that child is going to hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life.  I don’t know this for a fact but I know divorces are hard on everyone.  But a divorce is twice as hard if your handicap than if you’re not.  Because then you wonder who is going to be taking care of you, whether your being fed or beaten.  That may be true for you and that may be what your child is thinking too.  In fact I don’t want to get in people’s heads here but I think if I were in that situation that is what I would think.  In fact on another subject if you have the means and the patience to keep your child at home, don’t put them in a nursing home or a group home.  The best care you can give somebody that is handicapped is to keep them at home.  There you can actually keep an eye on them and know exactly where and when things happen.  In a nursing home you never know what is going to happen.  A lot of bad things happen even some neglect.  When you’re handicap a lot of things can be considered neglect that are not really neglect in a home but is basically considered neglect in a nursing home.  I don’t know what all of those are.  But hopefully when I get later on this book you will find out not by me but by one of my co-authors.  That has been around a lot more than I have in a nursing home and out of the nursing home.  All that kind of stuff.  She can probably tell you what is considered neglect and what’s not.  She can look it up a lot easier than I can and get her hands on a lot more information than I can.  She can tell you more about each handicap then I can.

On another subject though, that’s why I said I have a great support system.  Because I have one PTA and one PTA assistant in my family.  I also have two massage therapists.  They will do anything for me all I have to do is ask.  Sometimes I do but most of the time I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask.  In fact I find it a lot easier to work with other therapists that I go to outside of my house once a week to an outpatient clinic.  Sometimes they help me and sometimes they don’t.  But the latest thing that I have found out that helps me is acupuncture.  I know a lot of people can’t take even the sight of needles.  Which is how I thought I would be.  But I am not that way at all.  I am actually going there once a week now.  You won’t probably like this too but I like anything to make me better.  That’s been helping me when I get in a real rut.  What I said earlier in this book is really came home to haunt me.  I have to learn to stay out of my parents fights and not get involved.  You probably know if you are currently thinking about divorce if your kids are verbal they can’t stay out of it.  Doesn’t’ that make it ten times worse?  Even if your kid’s nonverbal they hear you fighting and they get agitated.  Especially if it’s over them.   But one of my biggest pet peeves is when my parents talk about money to me.  They say they don’t have enough, one parent says they don’t have enough and then I go talking to the other parent and they say something else.  It just ends up in a vicious circle and it’s now one I’m in the middle of.  And no whole to get out of it.   I hate that feeling.  So that’s why I tried to tell you to stick it out but I know sometimes that kind of be impossible.  That’s quiet alright.  Don’t be offended if your loved one takes sides.  Because most kids will, most adults will to.  If they are not out of college yet, if they are out of college they kind of know not to take sides but it’s still hard not to take sides.  You are probably asking me how do I know this.  Because I have been around a lot of people a lot of kids I should say that have been involved in a divorce.  In fact I don’t know if I have told you already but counseling was one of my first desires for a career.  But then I came into some road blocks that I could’ve overcame but I chose not to.  They were requiring too much, not just out of me but out of my parents.  The degree I got is the next best degree I could have.  I don’t have to take any state exams/boards.  Which that is a plus.  I don’t do well on tests.  As you can probably tell I don’t do well on research either so far in this book.  Because I haven’t started the research part of it and I feel bad for doing it this way but this is the way I am doing it.  Because you probably heard me say stuff over and over again only in different words.  But there are some aspects that I can’t say enough about.  Like for instance having a good support system is a must.  If you don’t have a good support system please try to find a good councilor or somebody to talk to.  Because that will make a world of difference.  Because the world won’t feel like you’re just sitting still if you don’t have a good support system it will feel like you’re just sitting still with the world going around you so fast you can’t jump back on.  Like a runaway train that is falling off the tracks.  Is what you will feel like.  Even if you find a good counselor you still need to find someone that can try to be your support system.  Even though they may not be a good one.  As least you will have someone.  Like a brother or sister, or like a friend.  Or even someone you work with.  But most of the time that’s probably the category of your good friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something I cannot stand is being criticized over and over again for something I cannot control or being talked about behind my back.  For people that do not know me.  They call me Radar because I can hear people talking about me when they are totally in a different room with no door to separate the rooms.  Sometimes I even hear them clear across the house.  This is driving me insane so much my blood is boiling.  I wish my hearing was not that acute.  Because even some of the common household noises that no one else hears, I hear.  For example, when I really pay attention I hear when the heater kicks on.  When you hit the “On” button for the TV, I can hear that click.  It is getting worse as the TV’s advance.  So please pray for me that I don’t blow up on my supporting caregivers.  Like I did tonight.  So please pray that I have patience with all who I come in contact with and understanding of the circumstances.  Because I have constant issues with my disability getting in the way.  I don’t know if it is because I depend on other people to take care of my daily needs and I don’t have any personal space.  If I had the capability to do for myself what others do for me, I would  not always feel like they are invading my personal space which I know they are not doing.  But that is how I feel at times.  I don’t feel like I can do anything to avoid this situation.    However, this is how I really feel with my whole human existence.  I do not want my family members to put me in an extended care facility even though they may eventually feel a need.  For one thing, I do not think I would survive even a month in that type of facility.   I truly believe this with my whole heart and soul.  So my solution is to only go to an assisted nursing home for two week period at a time.  Then go to one of my family members’ homes for as long as they will have me.  Then go back into the assisted facility for another two weeks.  Repeat this cycle routinely

I do have a sound mind and it does work perfectly but my body is not perfect.  But by that I mean my body has a handicap but my mind does not.  It may have a learning disability but I do not have a mental handicap like some people assume.  For those people that think I am mentally handicapped, I am not.  Those people that think I am mentally handicapped do not know me very well.  All they have to do is get to know me and they realize I am a person just like they are but am trapped in a body that is just like a prison at times.  But more often than not my handicap is a blessing not a prison.  But sometimes it is still like a prison.  But that is mostly my fault.  Because that’s when I drag myself down in the dump.  We all know that place in life is hard to get out of once you get into it.  Once you get into that slump, it is easier to continue to go back.

I hate when people ask me what I think, when they don’t want to really know what I think.  I can tell it by their attitude, but most of the time I tell them what I think anyways.  It makes them as upset as myself for even saying it.  I don’t get mad until later when I realize I shouldn’t have said it to them.  If they really want to know what I thought they shouldn’t ask.  So it’s kind of their own problem and their own fault.  But I feel bad for even mentioning it, and I shouldn’t feel that bad as they brought it on by asking.  I hate when they ask me about money, especially my brothers and sisters not so much parents.  My brothers and sisters aren’t going to listen to me about money.  So why do they ask me when they’re not going to listen to me.  It hasn’t happened in a while so I think that is finally coming to an end.  Or they’re watching me saying “He doesn’t know anything about money” because of the way I spend it.  But I decide to spend it when I have it instead of them they decide to spend it when they don’t have it.  They decide to spend it when they have to use credit or a loan.  If I were to have a credit card, yes I would use it.  But, I would pay it off as soon as I got the bill so it didn’t have a balance and no interest.  Some of my family members besides my Mon and Dad don’t do it that way.  I will follow my parent’s habits.

I hate when people ask for my help and when I ask for help other than the obvious help I need every day they will not help me.  My biggest problem with that is when my parent’s told them they would help them with school.  My parent’s said if you will help Jon out through school, but yet they got out of that because of government assistance programs for the disabled.  Those that weren’t able to hold a job or in the process of going to school because their disability will not allow them to do both.  Because of that program my siblings got out of helping me with school.  That was one of the promises they made to my Mom and Dad.  If my Mom and Dad helped them with the cost of their college education.  So yes guess who gets the short end of the deal?  Me.  And I don’t think just because they didn’t have to help me with college that they should just get out of that deal all together.  I think when I ask for their financial help, they should at least actually try and give it to me.  As you can tell I am kind of the type that holds a grudge.  But I know I shouldn’t be.  But, that it’s one of my faults…what I know I shouldn’t do, I do.  And sometimes I do get mad over little things that I know I shouldn’t get mad at.  But as we all know that’s just part of being a human, and we can’t help it because that’s what we are.  No matter what way we look at it, that’s what we are.  We’re not like dogs or cats or any other animal.  But we’re very unique.  We are humans.  And humans think outside of the box.  And we can solve the problem.  Dogs and other species have problems solving their problems or they can’t solve their problems.  Either way we look at it they aren’t as smart as human beings are.  But we have to give them some credit.  But the truth is we don’t know how much credit to give them.  Sometimes I don’t think we give them enough credit.  But other times I think we give them too much credit but that’s just me.  Sometimes I think it’s who trained them and how good their training is.  I think they have to learn how to be taught how to be smart or how to be brainiacs.  But that goes for humans too so I don’t know what to think.   But I think humans have a much easier time than animals.  And I think humans can watch the other people do things.  In other words they learn by example.  Which I know dogs do to, but they have a lot harder time doing this than a human being does.

You know you affect somebody when you hear some of your own words in their writing.  When you know they would drop everything to come to your needs at a moment’s notice.  Some of these people may not know how to show it.   But, they would do the exact same thing.  They just don’t know how to communicate to you so they talk around you not at you.  Sometimes it gets so frustrating for me but sometimes I have to remember that just because they are talking around me doesn’t mean they don’t care for me.  In fact I think it means more to me that they are talking around me and not just ignoring me.  Even though sometimes I do feel that way and I just want to knock them  upside their head and say “ If you want to talk about me, talk about me to my face, don’t talk around me to your own brother and act like I’m not here because that pisses me off”.   You know something awesome is going to happen when you start something that you don’t think is going to get off the ground, but it slowly rises.  Like a kite taking off in the wind.  Some days your kite will do a real good job and then other days there will be days where it won’t take off at all.   I guess I’m surprised that I am getting hits on my blog from other parts of the world.  The fact is I can never get a real good solid count on who is reading my blog or for that matter whose life I touch, how many times a day I touch that person’s life.  How many times a day somebody thinks of me and gets a smile on their face, because I have touched their life a week ago, a month ago, and so forth.  The truth is I’ve been trying to increase my knowledge base on how to help with the little kids.  My biggest suggestion is trying to get a support system together while they’re little.  Not just for their sake but for your sake too.  If you can find a good psychologist or counselor try to use them to your advantage.  Because they may know some other people that you can put in your support system such as a speech therapist, PT, OT.  The other thing I would suggest is  if you’re a single parent get another family member involved to go to all the appointments because one person may not hear all the information.  You may get information overload and then you can go back and report to your support system on what the doctor said and on what that specialist said.  You won’t have to keep all the people in your support system forever.  You can drop them when you see fit.  However I would always suggest you keep a couple people as your main support system.  Because raising a handicap child is kind of difficult at times.  Other people may say this child can’t do this, but the truth is you don’t know unless you try.  I may have said this before but I don’t know if I have or not.  But, I have overcome lots of challenges and lots of roadblocks that people have put in my path or that they come up because of my disability.  Some of them I enjoy some of them I despise.  Those that I despise I look back and say “those are probably the best ones that I could overcome”, but some of those were some of the hardest things I have ever overcome in my life.

Everybody thinks I’m crazy for talking about somebody without mentioning names.  And they think it’s about them.  But, everybody needs to quit assuming it’s about them. Just read what I put and stop blaming themselves.  Because it’s not about blaming them.  This book is my thoughts and my thoughts matter just as much as everybody else’s.  The truth is I have problems just like everybody else other than my obvious problems.  Like my CP as my obvious problem.  But, I have other problems that I would consider major like I have problems talking to other people about my problems.  But, I have problems going to doctors, psychologists, and counselors.  Probably more than most.  Because I don’t trust doctors or counselors.  I haven’t been to a psychologist that I felt comfortable around talking to and such to talk to about my own problems.  That’s why everybody in my own family assumes that it’s about them.  The truth is there are many other people that I know besides them.  In fact I know so many people that I don’t know who I know and who I don’t, which could be a bad thing or a good thing.  Because I could take you for a stranger if you were walking on the street.  I could know you very well.  But, I just may not be able to place who you are at that moment in time.  So excuse me if I don’t know who you are but don’t recognize who you are.

The truth is I have lots of dreams just like you do.  I may have already said this.  But if I did I’m going to be restating what I already stated before.  It doesn’t matter who you know it matters how well you know that person.  I have several friends that I know and will consider them to be my good friends.  When we get together it’s like we can continue where we left off last.  I know for many of you this may be hard to believe.  But, I also have friends that used to be that way, and are no longer that way.  That’s a shame.  Because at that time of our relationship I swore to myself I would never lose that friend.  Now years have went by and I haven’t talked to any of my friends from high school since I graduated.  Every once in a while, I talk to them on facebook but that’s on their terms.   Kind of like them saying we don’t need you and that’s alright because if they are saying that to me, I say I don’t need them.  I don’t need their trash to clog up my life.  So pretty much all the friends I have now are my past nurses and my church, as well as my family.  Most of the people that are reading this and saying is that me are the ones that care about me the most, and they know me like the back of their hand.  I also know them like the back of my hand.  They are my family.

This book is going to bring up a lot of questions for them, myself, and you the fellow readers.  Like for instance how well you know your God.  How well do you know your family?  My family should have nothing to hide from me, I have nothing to hide from them.  If they are hiding something from me, I can usually figure it out in not to long of a time.

I will probably never get married, I know I shouldn’t say that because never is a long time.  But, the truth is right now at this point in time I don’t want to get married and I won’t get married until I feel like somebody knows me inside and out.  The truth is I shouldn’t say this but I don’t think anybody will take the time get to know me that well.  If they get to know me that well the second requirement is they have to be able to take care of my personal needs as well as love me for me not who they think I should be or any other way, love me for who I am.  They have to appreciate that my God comes right after them if not right before them.  If they want to have kids I’m fine as long as they want me to try.  But, my theory in that is if God wants me to have kids he will allow me to have them if he doesn’t that’s his will and that’s right.  I have the same concept about a wife.  If God wants me to be married he will show me the right girl, it will be the right time, and the right place.  I am not here to do anybody else right, but my God.

I will treat my brothers and sisters with respect to the best of my abilities at that time.  But they have to understand I mess up as well as any other human being will.  I probably mess up more, but I also make up for more than any other person does.  I realize I do stuff wrong every day and I try not to make excuses for it.    Something’s are harder to deal with than others.  I hate to be blunt here and all nasty but how would some you like a finger up your anus every day?  Well that’s just some of what I go through on a daily basis.  Every time I go out of my house I wonder how many people are staring at me?  Like what is he doing, he can’t control his own wheelchair, he probably doesn’t even have his mind.  This is why I’m writing this book to prove to people that I do have a mind that I do have a right to be on this earth.  I might be very blunt in some of what I say but most of what I say is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  Just ask my siblings they will tell you how true that comment is.   Some people don’t truly think I’m going to write a book.  The truth is I started this book a long time ago and never got it done because my computer crashed and I had to start from scratch.  After I lost what I had I thought maybe the book writing wasn’t for me.  But, since I’ve been doing a blog and have been blogging for a while now I realized that writing is for me when fellow bloggers started following me and liking my post it as well went real wide so therefor I know this writing is what I am supposed to be doing.

Many people have said that Heaven is for real, the truth is because it is.  Who else but God himself made the Earth and made people to not image but his image?  We just have to maintain his image.  The hard part about that is where people don’t follow his image, they want to follow free will.  The truth is yes God gave us free will, yes God gave us free will for a reason so that we would know right from wrong and wrong form right.  But, what people don’t realize is that there are many things that could be right and could be wrong.  There are many different ways that we can approach different things.  Many different people don’t go to God and ask him for his guidance.  Many people just do it how they think it should be done and hope it’s the right way.  I’m telling you many times it is the right way but many times it’s just the opposite.  Not wrong or right.  Or it could be very wrong, or very right.  We will never know until we get up to our Savior.   That’s where we have to trust in our Creator just like all of us trust can trust our parents.   But, many of us choose not to and that’s a right out shame.  Because they are just trying to do what’s best for you.  They really do have your best interest at heart.  Just think you couldn’t be put up for adoption or even worse abortion.  Only one of those is the right thing to do and that’s adoption in my eyes.  The other one is just plain out right murder.  Most of the time it isn’t the parents fault that they made that choice to walk into an abortion center.  Most of the time it’s because they were led up to in by that I mean talked into it by somebody else.  So what I am trying to say is don’t blame somebody from getting an abortion because most of the time it’s not truly all their decision.  They may look back on it and they wished they never did that, in fact I know one day probably sooner than later they will that to somebody.  They will probably be trying to talk to somebody out of what they went through eventually.  Because it doesn’t take only the baby’s life it takes a part of the mother too.  So after reading this stand up with me and speak against abortion and in other words murder.  Not for the mother but for the doctors that don’t talk them out of it.  For the doctors that are still in practice, even though they shouldn’t be.  They are sooner or later going to pay for that decision when they have to face our Creator and he is full of kindness and he knows how to be kind, but I think he also knows how to say “ enough is enough is enough”.  There are people that say Hitler’s in Heaven but in my kind heart  and believe me I’m the kindest person you ever met, and in my kind heart there is no beeping way he’s in Heaven.

In fact there are some days I think why am I here?  Then I look at the world and I say it’s because of all the lives I’m going to continue to touch.  I have touched thousands of lives already.  I can’t fathom how many more millions/ trillions it could even go to infinity and beyond on how many people I will have touched.  Even people from other countries.  There are some people that think I’m crazy saying that, but I know it’s the truth.  There are some people that say handicap does change a person’s outlook on life dramatically.  That’s true too.  I can’t fathom to begin to believe how many people are waiting on the other side to welcome me into Heaven.  Yes I said into Heaven.  People are going to stare at this book and say “how do you know that you are already going to heaven?” Because some people just have an instinct.  When you have instinct most of the time and when you follow that instinct you will be right.  Most of the time your instinct won’t lead you on the wrong path.   In fact I found that my instinct lead me to and closer to God.  Because believe it or not at one time I was looking for a way out to speak.  A way out of the faith, a way out of this earth.  But, then I realized I can’t be in my right mind.  When I was thinking those things.  I mean don’t get me wrong there is no right way or wrong way to get to Heaven.  But, when you are considering suicide to get out of this earth you will only obtain a ticket either to purgatory or straight to hell.  I hate to say this, but I know a few people that did turn their life completely around that did deserve a ticket straight to hell.  Now they have turned their life around so they are on the right path.  We can never tell a person what faith to be, how to believe, what to believe, and so forth and so forth.  We can never tell somebody that they are practicing their faith the wrong way, because the truth is it may be the right way for them.   We never know what the right way is for those human beings to practice their faith.  All we can do when they ask for help is to try to help them the best we can or try to lead them to help the best we can.  When we see that they are having difficulties and they don’t ask for help it’s our business to try to help them but if they don’t ask we have to be ready on the sidelines to help them when they do ask for help.  But, don’t try to pry into their personal life and force the help on them because then you will force them further away.  That will do no good.

More about my wishes.  At one time I wanted to be a cop or a fire fighter.  At one time I also wanted to be a person that works on computers.  But pretty soon after I wanted to do two of these things my hope was blown to pieces.  Then about one year after I got out of high school my brother said computers would be a bad idea too.  Because of my eyes.  So then I had to rethink all my lifelong plans and believe me that was hard to swallow.  I then went to being able to work with people such as a counseling degree.  Which I do have a major in but it’s only an associates, I have a bachelor’s degree in organizational leadership in which I am stuck at currently without a job.   Which is hard, because I look at all my friends and family and say “why couldn’t that be me?”  Not that I am jealous in any way because all my siblings wouldn’t be where they’re at today without me.  That’s true the other way around also.  Because I have a really great support system within my family.  My parents are included in that.

My parents have taken and continue to take really good care of us.  In fact we were poor but our parents have an amazing way of making it seem like we weren’t that poor.  To be honest with you, the first time my oldest sister realized that we were poor was when she missed a day of school and the teacher said take this home and watch this video she had to say we didn’t have a VCR.  That was the first time that any of us realized we were poor.

I think all kids do go through a stage where they lie.  I went through that stage forever.  Probably way after I was supposed to be out of it.  But, I was so good at it that I had my teachers convinced that my parents were getting a divorce; that my Dad was staying here with us kids, and that my Mom was moving to New York.   I don’t know how long I had them believing this before they finally called my Mom and said “We heard you are getting a divorce” and she said “oh yeah where are you hearing this from?’  I don’t know how it turned out from there, that’s all I can remember.  But, that was the last time I ever told a lie that big.  I never got the belt but once in my life and I don’t even know what it was for.  I don’t even recall how bad it hurt, but I do remember getting the belt.  I think the worse part of it was when my Dad pulled it out of his belt loops.  That’s the part I remember most from it.  Otherwise I had a pretty easy childhood, a pretty easy life.  In fact I still do.

Believe it or not I do tithes to my religion more than 10%.  But, I don’t tithe it to the church.  I have a child I foster from a foreign country.  Other than that I spend the money I get on myself in fact some of you are probably saying he was a room better than I do.  But, I don’t spend my money frugally.  I try to spend it wisely and when I do spend it frugally which I try not to do very much I try to get out of that stage very quickly.  I do pretty well at it actually.  I do find things to keep me busy.  Like playing on the computer, watching tv or movies, listening to music, and my favorite one of them all is listening to town gossip on my scanner.  But, there’s also a reason for that too.  I am kind of a prayer warrior for my surrounding town’s fire and police department.  So every time they are called out to something dangerous I pray for them.  Unfortunately I live by the hospital so I hear all the care flights go out as well as they go over my house.  Most of the time at night they even wake me up.  Yes I am that in tune with my surroundings.  As I’ve told you before it drives me crazy sometimes, almost to the point of no return.   But yet I always do find a way to return to my sanity.  Or what other people call my crazy life.  I love my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world, even my handicap.

Even though my handicap is kind of the elephant in the room.  It can be my best friend or even sometimes the complete opposite my worst enemy.  I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Because it can be other people’s best friend to or it can be their worst enemy.  But, if it’s their worst enemy they have some major issues to go through too.  If I can help them go through that I will.  In fact if they stay working with me or around me long enough, their attitude will dramatically change.  I know some handicap people can be excuse my language but they can be buttholes or I meant to assholes.  Because they think the world owes them everything.  This world doesn’t owe them everything.  In fact the world doesn’t owe them anything more than you or I.  But, they think the world owes them everything and they are going to try and get it.   Those are the biggest snobbiest people I know.  Because they try to get two apples out of one apple seed, you know what I mean?  One apple seed is not going to furnish two apples.  It’s only going to produce one apple, and maybe if you plant an apple seed it will grow another apple tree.  But, each apple has plenty of seeds in it which you don’t see twin apples.  You only see one apple split up into two apples.  You might see one big apple, never are you going to see apples break into two.  If you didn’t know what I meant, now you do.  It may be the stupidest explanation around but I am not very good at explanations.   That’s why I am not running a dictionary.  I am writing this book so people know what I am going through.

I wasn’t picky when it came to getting through high school.  All I asked for was an elevator and diploma.  There was other people in that school that asked for more material goods, did that get them anywhere?  No.  In fact I don’t even think that person has their diploma to this day.  Look what I have.  I have a college degree.  All I asked for was what I had the right to ask for.  I didn’t ask for anything else but what I had the right to ask for.  Like, they said I didn’t have to take the proficiency but my parents said I will take them.  That I had right to do, low and behold I passed all of them with a 16 which is average.  If some of you don’t know you have to pass those to get a regular diploma.  Otherwise you just get a certificate of attendance.  I wasn’t going through school just to get a certificate of attendance.  I was going there because I knew I could pass high school to get a high school diploma.  Then I was going to try college.  And little did I know college would be a little bit easier but also harder on other pieces of the puzzle.  Such as the fact I didn’t have the same person giving me all of my tests.  In fact all of my tests were given to me by another student.  That you wouldn’t think would be that hard, but for me it was.   Because it was somebody new that I didn’t know and they didn’t know my speech better.  So therefore true and false, and multiple choice were the tests I did most.  The test I passed the most.  If you wanted me to fail all you had to do was give me a fill in the blank test.  In fact there was one there was one class where a professor knew I was getting the subject, but he could tell on the test that I wasn’t getting it down on paper.  He came to me and asked me why.  He more less told me your dad will be giving you your next test.  So he did.  Needless to say I got a better grade than I expected to get in that class.  There were a lot of professors in my college that weren’t just there for their job but for the students.  I think the students mattered to them more than their pay check.  You don’t see very many professors out there that are like that.  In fact you see many professors from many different colleges that you want to stay away from.  But, my college experience was a little bit different.  That could have been for many different reasons.  I won’t go into them.  But, it wasn’t because we were the teacher’s pet.  We had to work our ass off for what we got.  But, as long as they knew we were trying they were going to try their damndest   to help us out with our grade.  As long as they knew we were trying they were not going to fail us.  As soon as they saw we weren’t trying they quit helping us.  They quit helping people that weren’t trying.  Believe you me there is some kids out there that think college is still high school.  I got news for them if they think that way, they are going to fail out of college.  Because there was a time or two I thought I was going to fail out of college.  In fact I thank God every day that I got out of college and passed college when I did, and that I got my degree when I did.  Because there is a part of me that thinks I couldn’t do it if I had to do it again.  But, there is another sided of me that wants to go back.  It might seem weird that I’m saying this but to be around more people and to have a social life.  I do have a social life now but it’s now how I want it to be.  At least when I was at school I had my mind occupied with school work, homework, and my friends.  Now I just have to make up stuff for me to do.  Because the economy and the government won’t allow me to get a job, even though they want me to get a job the stuff they want me to do to get that job they won’t allow me to do.  So here I am stuck writing a book about them which I know part of me says I shouldn’t include this part in the book.  But, there is also part of me that says I should.  Because if I don’t speak out about it and put it in this book nobody will get my message.  And my message is this “Don’t fake out the people that you want to get a job by telling them they have to get a job, make their stuff they have to have to get a job easier than Heaven to get instead of making it harder than Heaven to get the stuff they need why don’t they instead say they will pay the first time and then place a time period on them to wait to get the upgraded technology.  Don’t count the stuff they used in high school as part of the stuff they received.  Make it after they graduate instead of right when they get a piece of technology out of their own pocket.  Or out of the government’s pocket.  However you want to put it.  That’s just one of my pet peeves.  As you will see later I have many pet peeves if you can’t tell that already.” 

  This book is going to be confusing to follow because now I’m going to go to religion.  I think religion is very important as I do my God.  These are not one in the same.  They are close, but they are not the same thing.  You can belong to a religion but I believe you don’t have to believe everything they believe.  Some people would disagree with me.  But, I would like to argue with them that I believe it’s not how you believe it’s what you believe in.  I believe in the same God they believe in.  Only I might believe in him in a different way.  Like I believe in one baptism and one God.  There are some religions out there that believe in several Gods.  You can be baptized at any time you want.  But there’s some religions that are close to mine that only believe in one baptism.  Those are the faiths I like the most, and that I believe in the most.  I don’t know much about any other faith but my own and the one that is most like mine.  Which right now is escaping me.  Any way I believe that baptism can take away your original sins up until that point you are baptized.  Then I believe all you have to do is ask and be really sincere and then your sins will be free again.  But, that’s not what my faith says.

 

My faith says you have to go to confession and tell another human being that is supposedly sitting in for Christ ll your sins since the last time you’ve been to confession.  Then he will say a prayer over you that is called absolution.  You are then forgiven for your sins.   But, I have a hard time with that concept as I imagine many people do.  I would rather pray and be really sincere than go to another human being to commit my life story to.  Which I don’t know if he’s going to keep it a secret or not.  I know he’s supposed to but does he?  Probably but we will never know.  He has made mistakes just like the rest of us.  I don’t know if I can trust them with my sins.  I know I’m supposed to because I know he’s supposed to be God but he doesn’t look like God on that cross suffering for all my sins.  He just looks like a normal human being that I know can make mistakes.  I know he does.   Therefore it’s hard to say all of my sins to him, and it’s hard to be sincere.  So therefore I have a hard time going to confession like I imagine many of you do if you go to confession at all.  Or if you even go to church at all.

 

I know you can believe in anything and not go to church at all, I know you cannot believe in religion and not go to church at all and make it to Heaven just as well as I can.  It’s just that your road may be a little harder and bumpier than my road.  But, I’m not saying that you can’t do it and nobody else should say it either because that would be judging.  We are not supposed to judge but there are some people on this Earth that don’t believe in anything.  They only believe in their life is done when it’s done.   They begin life as fast as it they are going to end.  That’s a shame to them.  It’s like they don’t have anything to look forward to.  They don’t see any point in life.  You can tell it in their attitude.  If you know what I mean.  If you don’t know what I mean here’s an example:  They walk around like they have a big chip on their shoulder and they don’t care that it’s there.  If they have family and kids they only care about their family and kids.  They don’t care about the other people in their community or ignore the people that are all around them that they sometimes work for.  That is no way to be especially if you want to maintain and keep a job not just get fired all of the time.  Yeah, if you have an attitude like that you’re probably going to get fired all the time and looking for a new job all the time, or be working some place like Walmart or Kmart where most of the time you are by yourself.  Those are not very high paying beneficial jobs so you may have to work many of those jobs to get somewhere in life.  Excuse me if you’re walking around with a big chip on your shoulder excuse me but you deserve that kind of life.  I am not one to judge very quickly but that is another pet peeve of mine because there are people that want a job and can do your job well but are stuck because you are in their position or the person that has the big chip on their shoulder has their position.  If you want a job you have to maintain a good attitude.   Most of the time a good attitude does not include having a big chip on your shoulder of being a self-centered bitch.   But that’s just one person’s opinion.  Take it for what it’s worth.

Conversion is a lifelong process

There are many conversions we all have to go through in in life.  Such as a death of a loved one, Such as another loved one going and joining another faith, your faith is a lifelong process and you may have many turns and many different curves come up.

Addiction

Such as a person on drugs in your family.

Such as a school that doesn’t teach religion

-Many schools don’t teach religion in fact you have to go to certain schools for your own specific religion.  Many parents can’t afford this that to why they are sending their child to public schools.  Which don’t teach them religion all because of the separation between church and state or something like that.  Many people don’t want to switch religions, because they are used to that.  That is what their family does.

But what is wrong with it?

Many people don’t want to make their family upset.  But their family doesn’t realize what faith you choose, they are all going to get into Heaven.  Maybe some faiths will have a different road but they are all going to get into Heaven.

So what does that mean?

It means you should go with your heart and not with what just your mind says.  If you want to go to a different religion because you think it’s better for you, why not?  Because after all it’s about you, your life is about you.  It’s not about what other people think.  It’s about you after all, it’s not about what other people think.  It’s just about you.  You have to remember that. More religions are coming out with classes you have to take to become that religion

Like my religion is called RCIA, which just means adult education for my religion.  But, some religions are called different things.  It doesn’t matter.  It all boils down to its just classes to understand the religion in which you are joining.  If they don’t have this sort of thing it’s a shame.  In fact people that are acquiring about different religions should have to research that religion before committing to it.

For their own personal needs

When you are faith searching you are not that committed to your creator.  All that leads to unhappiness.  Trust me, because I’ve been there before in my faith journey.  All that leads to unhappiness again.  So my conclusion to this PowerPoint is to not push anybody to be a certain faith unless you know your own faith inside and out.  The truth is nobody is that secure in their religion to tell people what faith they are to be.  So what I’m saying is don’t try to keep people from going to other faiths.  Don’t try to keep people in your same faith if they don’t want to be.  If you’re not happy with your religion, try searching for a a different church first before you go faith searching.  Because faith searching takes a lot out of you.  When you feel like you’re not committed to one faith, you’re not that committed to your creator.

Do you really know your bible, or do you only know parts of your bible that the priest/pastor has taught?

When you only know half of the bible it’s like only knowing half of your Lord.  Do you really only  want to know half of your Lord?  Or do you want to know every piece of him?  I would think you would want to know every piece of him.  Like want to.  It’s really important to know the whole bible not just parts of it.

Fishing, my saying that I love so much is:

If you give somebody a fish you fixed them by a meal, if you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime.  In fact I would rather feed somebody for a lifetime than just one meal.  I think that would be what my God wants me to do.

Wouldn’t that be want what you wanted to do, or what would you want to do?  Would you want to do the just thing?

I would want to do the just thing.  But, I know several people that wouldn’t do the just thing.  But, I also know several people on the other end that work their tails of literally.  I mean I know some people don’t sit down from dawn to dusk such as farmers.  I think all farmers are God born Christians their entire life.  Some of them have been working in the business since they were 16 yrs. old or old enough to help their parents do the housework.

Here we go jumping around again.  But in my family we had to know what we wanted and say what we wanted, otherwise it wouldn’t get done.  I am not to good at that still, in fact I don’t think I am ever going to be good at that.  Because it’s not in my personality.  Because my personality is completely different than everybody else.  I am not worried about by myself.  I worry about other people to much, and what I say what I think they want me to say.  I know this is a bad habit and I am trying to break it.  But, just the day before yesterday my sister brought up to me that I should say what I want to say not what I think they want to hear.  But, when you have such a caring personality sometimes you don’t even realize it.  I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Another thing is because of my disability I don’t say please and thank you as much as I should.   The thing that I want would be an automatic thing that they would do for themselves.  So I don’t think I should say please and thank you for an automatic thing they would get up and do their self.  Such as getting up to get a drink, I have to ask for this stuff.  Also this is going to be kind of gross but I have to ask them to change me.  Yes I do know when I have to go, but because sometimes I can’t get there fast enough I have to wear depends.  Believe me that sucks.  Because then you go through the whole issue of who is paying for those depends, do I pay for them out of my own pocket?  Does the government?  So far it’s been a little bit of both.  When I run out my parents have to get a box of depends off the internet.  Yes they are expensive.  Just like any other medical supplies they are expensive.  Just like yesterday I went in for a routine tube change that is considered a surgery.  Unfortunately I have to do that every six months.  But, as of yesterday the doctor said if he can find the stuff and get it to us he would let us do it so that’s the way we are going to try and go.  In fact I think we already got a mickey tube coming off line.  I know there are places that sell them.  Because I hear of other handicap people putting them in their self.  I know there is a way that we can get them, but we don’t know that way yet other than good old ebay.  Then you don’t know how safe that is, but thank God it’s not a terrible procedure.  Because once it goes into your stomach your stomach is not sterile so therefore it doesn’t have to be a sterile environment you just want to make sure your hands are clean when you do it.  That kind of basic stuff.  The same thing he said to me, it may not be basic to you.  But another thing is if you have somebody with a handicap you learn everything you can do by yourself.  So you don’t have to go into a doctor’s office so often because that can get kind of pricey.  Especially now a days.   So my suggestion to you is to learn to take care of the easy stuff yourself if the doctor will teach you.  Because it will end up saving you thousands of dollars in the long run.  It may even save them from making a mistake like they did on me, not on me this time but the last time.  They didn’t put saline water in the balloon so it gradually deflated overnight.  At that time I was going down to Miami Valley hospital for a doctor.  So I had to go their emergency room.  At that time they said it would close up within two hours.  The doctor I saw yesterday said I had at least four hours.  Don’t quote me on that because some things can grow faster and some slower it just depends on the person.  That is something I never want to happen to me, because I would never want to go through that whole surgery again.  Just the surgery to put it in is a simple surgery but the surgery to place the tube in the stomach is a totally different surgery.  Yeah it is the same surgery but it has a lot more involved.  I can handle the surgery to replace it in fact I don’t consider this surgery.  I consider this something you guys can accomplish if you had a tube ready to put in.  Which says a lot about my parents.  Which some of my doctors in Dayton let my mom and dad take care of me all they could legally.  Because they say they know me better.  To be honest with you whenever I go to the hospital I go to the hospital because I have no other options.  So basically if I stay home I am going to have a hard time surviving without antibiotics.  I need antibiotics just to get better most of the time.  They are not just antibiotics I take by mouth, a lot of times these antibiotics are given by IV.  But it doesn’t help any that I don’t like hospitals to begin with.  Because when I go into hospitals I usually can’t sleep for like the first 24 hrs.  But, I am getting better at that.  That could be bad or good.  I used to not be able to sleep nowhere but on my own bed.  Now that I spent nine long months in a hospital I have no problems sleeping in a strange bed.  Because when I was at the hospital it was either sleep or don’t sleep and I couldn’t go nine months without sleep but the first weak was a bear.  Even worse than the whole nine months.  Because I couldn’t get to sleep no matter what.  In fact people were begging me to go to sleep.  I could easily do it during the day but not at night.    Even then there were sometimes I wouldn’t go to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up again.  That was the first time that I ever really confronted that were not going to be here forever.  So now I live for today.  I live for the moment, I live for the hour, I don’t live for tomorrow.  I live like today is going to be my last day, I do make plans for tomorrow but they are just plans.

Now I am going to tell you something that I am having a hard time dealing with.  I imagine everybody in a similar situation as mine would have the same thing happen to them.  One of my best friends that took me for who I really was and saw the true me didn’t hold the wheelchair against me.  In fact he saw my wheelchair as a part of me, which is hard for a lot of people to do.  He was on some meds for bipolar and depression.  Something made him say “ I don’t need this anymore” and please don’t ever do that.  Because it could end up in a similar situation just like I’m telling you now.    Several years ago my friend committed suicide.  Still to this day, I have been impacted in him committing suicide.  Something’s are good and something’s are bad.  Like every time I hear someone committed suicide I automatically think of him.  But, without him I don’t want to say without him but without him doing it I don’t want to say it was a good thing but without him doing what he did I don’t think I would be where I am today writing this book, being a college graduate which is the greatest and I want to go back for me but I haven’t got the courage to go back.  I know I should go back, but I have a feeling if I do I will be stuck in the same spot I am now and not be able to have all of these degree’s and not be able to put it to use.  I don’t think it’s fair to you guys as taxpayers to pay my way.  But, I also know if I go back that’s what is going to happen.  But anyway he was the reason why I got into the field I am in counseling, and then organizational leadership.  Because I found out counseling you couldn’t really get anywhere without a masters and to get my masters I would have to go to Dayton.  I can’t travel to Dayton every day for classes and I cannot stay there in a dorm with people that help me get dressed and stuff like that.  Because I wouldn’t know if they were going to show up to do their job or not.  I couldn’t grab the phone and ask them either.  So if they didn’t show up I would be in a world of hurt.  That is why I switched my majors to be able to get it done locally and thank God I did, because I met some of the nicest people that I know through college.  In fact I think I already told you this but in fact college was even easier than high school.  I was a C student in high school and when I got out of high school I went into college and my grades improved drastically.  I don’t know what that was because of.  But, I ended up with a 3.22 grade point average which my brother and sisters are jealous of because they didn’t do that good.

So therefore they are happy for me but they’re jealous of my accomplishment at the same time.  But that’s part of the reason why I graduated with no debt to my name.  Believe me that is hard to do graduating with no debt to my name that is.  I was thinking I would have a little bit of money to pay back.  But that also showed people that staying close to home really paid off.  Because if I would have went to Wright States main campus I would have room and board on top of my tuition.  Which one government agency said I would have to pay for it myself.  I would have the option of using my tuition or using them to pay my tuition or paying my room and board but thank God I never had to make that decision.  Thank God I found something I would like to do and think I would be good at kind of fits within my train of thoughts to begin with to have my profession I still think one of these days I’m going to become a professional speaker.  This book is just a starting up point.  Hopefully one of these days that dream will come true.  I do have a lot to say to the public.  But figuring out how to say it is going to be the hardest problem.  Because with my speech and my volume problem I think I might run into some issues.  But if I had this book to fall back on to kind of lead me on where to go and how to go I know I will have to leave some parts out for schools and stuff because our government is stupid and won’t allow religion into our schools.  Which is by the way I think ridiculous.  It kind of upsets me but as you will learn later in the book government is kind of one of things that upsets me too.  It is one of the things that’s one of my passions too.  Because I love diving into stuff such as how government works.  How the Supreme Court works.  Which I know some of from my high school days but am going to have to research it more because I’m sure I forgot some things about it to.  I honestly enjoy but hardly ever listen to it is watching how the stock market is doing.  So you can see I have a lot of love for business.  And would love to start my own business someday.  In fact I kind of hope to before you even hear the title of this book get on the shelves, but I don’t know if I will get that far.  I have a love for helping people in need.  Such as helping people in natural disasters, or helping people that need help in third world countries whom don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  I love helping some of the women shelters in my local area.  I want to start volunteering at a Goodwill but that’s one of my goals I hope to accomplish before this book comes out.  But I don’t know if I will get that done either.  So as you see I have a lot of great intentions but don’t follow through which hopefully will get better by doing this book.  But being this is my fifth attempt at this book and hoping it will be my last attempt at this book.  I don’t my luck changing any time soon other than getting this book out.  Even though I do have one reason I want to get this book out.  Because I want to give people encouragement and try to keep people from committing suicide because they couldn’t get help.  If I change one persons life that would be good enough for me.  If I keep changing peoples lives like I’m doing now already that would be even more encouraging.  That I would have to keep writing books.  So after this book is out, I am not going to be one of those authors that don’t want to receive contact from my readers.  I want to receive contact from my readers so I know where I should go with my next book.  Because after I get this book out I want to keep writing not for financial purposes either.  So people can learn from what I have to say.  People have some good readings out there to read.  I know people already have good readings out there to read, but most are not true stories.  Mine is as true as true can get.  In fact I am going to tell you those true stories now.  One day I was walking around Kmart and my sister was carrying me and I was resting my head on her shoulder.  We got up to the cashier and the cashier said “is the little boy tired?” I said no Bitch!  Then she said “what did he say?” my sister said “oh he just said yeah”.  As we were walking away I said you “fucking bitch” again.  So as you can tell I have a very foul mouth on me.  But that is because sometimes if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it through my day or my handicap.  Because people like to discriminate against me, people like to ignore me like I’m not even there when I am truly sitting in a chair.  They like to ignore me like they don’t even see the chair or the person sitting it.  I’ve probably already said this to you once, it’s one of my pet peeves and you will probably keep hearing it over and over again.  Because it is one of my highest pet peeves.  That alone is the quickest way to piss me off.  Just pretend like I’m not even there The other one is knowing that I’ there and just talking around, that will really piss me off and very quickly.  So one of my things I’m going to tell you is talk to a handicap person just like you would talk to a regular person even if you don’t know if they can comprehend or not.  It will probably make their mom or dad or whoever is with them day or even their week.  They may even say something to you like oh my God that’s the first time somebody has ever treated my daughter with respect or something like that.  Have you ever been told it takes some respect to receive some respect?  So the next time you want to be treated with respect just remember that, it takes some to receive some.  Or sometimes it just takes respect to change somebody’s attitude for that day.  You might change their mood from a bad mood to a good mood for the rest of that day or a couple days.  You never know in this world how many lives you’re going to affect.  But just doing one simple thing and another simple thing you can do is smile.  You know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  So why don’t more people smile it would probably hurt their face less.  It will change their attitude and people can tell your smiling in your voice when you’re on your phone.  That is a proven fact.

I don’t know how to do what my brother wants me to do.  He said his wife told him that if I needed her to she would sign up and do a walk with me.  I haven’t told you this organization yet.  It’s called Canine Companions for Independence.  They can help any person with a disability either mental or physical.  Yes it’s just like a Seeing Eye dog.  In fact they even do classes for that too.  But mostly what I have is I canine for Independence which can help me pick up stuff as well as retrieve things for me.  Some dogs can even pull their chairs.  But you have to have the hand strength to hold onto a handle while the dog pulls you along.  Plus I don’t have that hand strength.  So I wasn’t taught how to use that command.  But to be honest with you if I ever got the hand strength and I wanted to learn that command I would teach my dog until it knew that command in the back of his head.  Because I was doing a training exercise with him this weekend.    I was surprised but he was able to remember because they were some of the commands I don’t use at all.  But once he got it in his head it was like riding a bike never forgetting how.  I am glad I got him, I got a dog from this organization.  As I have told you before they do other kinds of stuff.  Like hearing dogs.  Where if they hear a sound that you can’t hear they come and get you.  Or if they hear a phone ring they will do another type of alert.  If they hear a door bell they will go to the doorway and sit.  If they hear the door knock, they go to the door and scratch at it.  One of the most important things is if they hear fire alarms, they can also alert you to that.  But I don’t know much about those dogs, because they separate us out into individual classes.  So that’s why I don’t know much about those type of dogs.   But I do know they are a very expensive organization to run.  It is all done by a nonprofit organization.  So in another words it’s all done by you and myself donating.  So if at all possible when you read this, give it some thought and maybe possibly donate.  I have a lot of organizations I can tell you about and talk about.  One of the organizations in my town is called Family Resources.  They help with anything from personal hygiene care products to getting wheelchairs including getting a handicap accessible van to making your house as handicap accessible as it can be within their means.  Which not very many people have a company that supports handicap people, but I know of one family that had their whole house built just because where their dad worked was that generous.  Like I said I have only heard of a company doing that once.  It was kind of like doing make a wish but they didn’t have to have apply to make a wish.  Which is another organization I want to discuss.  I don’t know much about it.  I do know you have to be a kid to enter it.  So you have to know about it early which I unfortunately didn’t hear about it until I was older.  By the time I looked it up it was already too late for me to apply.  So what I’m telling you is to apply for everything you know about when you know about it, don’t wait as you may not be able to get that application.  The longer you wait they may have a waiting list you have to be on for several years.  Some churches may be able to help, it depends on what denomination you are and  on how willing the congregation   is able to help you.  Every once in a while you might get a job that is flexible around appointments but I doubt it.  I was lucky when I was in school.  I had appointments my mom worked nights.  She was able to take me to my appointments.  But like I said I don’t know many employers where I could do that unless you have flex time, which a lot of places are offering now.  But I am kind of out the loop and I wish I was in the loop more.  But, that’s because I don’t have a job and I wish I had a job already if you’ve been reading and can comprehend anything in my book.  I don’t want to sound rude there but I may have come off rude.  I know I don’t need to apologize because it’s my book and I can do whatever I want.  But my feelings are I need to apologize because it’s the right thing to do.

  I don’t know much about this person but she has been mentioned to me a lot.  She has a couple books out herself.  Her name is Joni Eareckson Tada.  I heard about her several times.  When I just nearly forgot her I remember her for some reason.  I think this time it’s because she has an origination that gives to the poor in other countries.  She also gives wheelchairs to the handicap in other countries that otherwise can’t afford it.  She is doing what I eventually hope to do.  That is help needy people that have a handicap from other countries.  Not from America.  I’m not trying to be racist or anything like that.  I just think the needy in America can learn to help themselves.  The ones that can’t need to go back to where they came from.  But that’s just my opinion.  Don’t hold it against me.  Just because I am handicapped everybody thinks I always have to be nice.  That’s the wrong conclusion not every handicap person is nice.  I am tired of every person making excuses for me and making assumptions about me when they are unfounded and they have no reason to make a conclusion about me.  That’s why I like Joni Eareckson so much because she has never let a neck injury stop her.  In fact it drew her closer to God.  Which a lot of people don’t think can happen.  But I am telling you a disability can draw you closer to god and it will.  Hopefully this book will do that.  Not just for one person but for several people.  I am not going for countries I am going for being able to impact nations.  This might take me a while but I will do it in my lifetime.  If not in my lifetime I will leave enough info that other people can do it, even though I’ve passed.  My brain is not made for just sitting in a chair.  My brain was made to be used.  My brain has not been impacted by my disability as I may have already told you.  Just my body but now my mind.  As the title of the book which should lead you to think my brain isn’t just mush.  There is something in there and I am going to use it to the best of my ability.

 

Now I am going to talk to you about school systems.  This one is hard because you don’t want to ask to much or ask too little and not get what you need.  But it’s kind of hard when you don’t know how much your kid can comprehend.  So that’s where the school system should do their part and test your child.  The way school sytems are now but in a way if you know they know more and you think the school system is trying to cut corners don’t let them do that because they tried to do that with me and I wouldn’t have a college education if my mom and dad wouldn’t have pushed them so hard.  Like they tried to tell me I think I told you this before.  But they tried to tell me I didn’t have to take proficiency test but my parents insisted on me taking them.  I am glad they did.  Because without passing the proficiency test I would have just got a certificate of attendance.  Which would have met I wouldn’t have been able to go to college which I really wanted to do.  I know one of these days I want to go back and shove that degree in their face.  Because I think I’m the only one that was in the specialized classes that got a degree.  That got a college degree.  But, I would kind of blame it on the school system because if they didn’t think the kid could do something they didn’t make them try very hard, and I don’t think they are trying very hard.  Like right now where they have no child left behind.  I don’t know quite what that means.  But I am kind of glad they have that in the school system because every child will know how to read now and at least in some form to the best of their ability.  I can’t read and I think it was because when I was capable of learning how to read they didn’t take the time or the effort to teach me how to read, but even then I don’t know that I could read.  I don’t know when they actually stopped teaching me how to read but I think they should’ve taught me where I was at until the day I was out of school.  They should’ve hired a teacher one on one for me or at least given me a tutor one on one for me.  At least until I could learn how to do my sight words.  Now the only way I can kind of read is by hearing the word then saying the word.  Kind of like closed captioning but I like to leave the volume on.  But even then it sometimes they go too slow or too fast and they are behind or ahead.  One of the two.  I don’t know how to fix that either besides the closed captioning people and I don’t know who they are.  I can pick some words out of a list after I know what the first letter is but other than that I can’t even spell.  So in another words don’t ask me to spell something and don’t expect me to know it unless you know the first couple letters and then give me a couple options to pick form there I can then tell you which one it is.  But I am basically telling you don’t give up on your kid when you know they can doing something better than the school is allowing them.  Because they are doing a disservice to you and your child.  And to the rest of the community.  I understand that sometimes people get burned out, but don’t let yourself get burned out take a couple moments for yourself every now and then.  Even if it’s just 5 minutes here and there it is better than nothing.  Because I know a lot of you are divorced parents.  Which that has to be hard.  I don’t know how my parents did it let alone divorced parents.  Not saying you can’t do it, just saying good luck the forces are against you.  So good luck again.  Because even when a disabled kid has both parents it’s hard.  In fact that’s one of the causes of a divorce….a disabled child.  Because they get into fights about their child.  They finally say that’s it but if you get a divorce because of the disabled child don’t get a divorce because the child will still be there no matter what, no matter whether you’re together or apart.  The only difference is your living situation.  That may be hard to look at the other person daily, but just remember this is what God chose for you.  This is what God chose for your family.  You just have to choose how you’re going to accept it.  I don’t know how to tell you to accept it.  But I can tell you this, it’s going to be hard for both of you and that disable child may be even some other children.  Because fighting over that disabled child isn’t going to go away.  That child isn’t going to go away.  So you might as well just try staying together and just try to work it out.  It may be hard now and it may be hard for a while, but it promise you if you are getting a divorce only because of that child and that child knows it that child is going to hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life.  I don’t know this for a fact but I know divorces are hard on everyone.  But a divorce is twice as hard if your handicap than if you’re not.  Because then you wonder who is going to be taking care of you, whether your being fed or beaten.  That may be true for you and that may be what your child is thinking too.  In fact I don’t want to get in people’s heads here but I think if I were in that situation that is what I would think.  In fact on another subject if you have the means and the patience to keep your child at home, don’t put them in a nursing home or a group home.  The best care you can give somebody that is handicapped is to keep them at home.  There you can actually keep an eye on them and know exactly where and when things happen.  In a nursing home you never know what is going to happen.  A lot of bad things happen even some neglect.  When you’re handicap a lot of things can be considered neglect that are not really neglect in a home but is basically considered neglect in a nursing home.  I don’t know what all of those are.  But hopefully when I get later on this book you will find out not by me but by one of my co-authors.  That has been around a lot more than I have in a nursing home and out of the nursing home.  All that kind of stuff.  She can probably tell you what is considered neglect and what’s not.  She can look it up a lot easier than I can and get her hands on a lot more information than I can.  She can tell you more about each handicap then I can.

On another subject though, that’s why I said I have a great support system.  Because I have one PTA and one PTA assistant in my family.  I also have two massage therapists.  They will do anything for me all I have to do is ask.  Sometimes I do but most of the time I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask.  In fact I find it a lot easier to work with other therapists that I go to outside of my house once a week to an outpatient clinic.  Sometimes they help me and sometimes they don’t.  But the latest thing that I have found out that helps me is acupuncture.  I know a lot of people can’t take even the sight of needles.  Which is how I thought I would be.  But I am not that way at all.  I am actually going there once a week now.  You won’t probably like this too but I like anything to make me better.  That’s been helping me when I get in a real rut.  What I said earlier in this book is really came home to haunt me.  I have to learn to stay out of my parents fights and not get involved.  You probably know if you are currently thinking about divorce if your kids are verbal they can’t stay out of it.  Doesn’t’ that make it ten times worse?  Even if your kid’s nonverbal they hear you fighting and they get agitated.  Especially if it’s over them.   But one of my biggest pet peeves is when my parents talk about money to me.  They say they don’t have enough, one parent says they don’t have enough and then I go talking to the other parent and they say something else.  It just ends up in a vicious circle and it’s now one I’m in the middle of.  And no whole to get out of it.   I hate that feeling.  So that’s why I tried to tell you to stick it out but I know sometimes that kind of be impossible.  That’s quiet alright.  Don’t be offended if your loved one takes sides.  Because most kids will, most adults will to.  If they are not out of college yet, if they are out of college they kind of know not to take sides but it’s still hard not to take sides.  You are probably asking me how do I know this.  Because I have been around a lot of people a lot of kids I should say that have been involved in a divorce.  In fact I don’t know if I have told you already but counseling was one of my first desires for a career.  But then I came into some road blocks that I could’ve overcame but I chose not to.  They were requiring too much, not just out of me but out of my parents.  The degree I got is the next best degree I could have.  I don’t have to take any state exams/boards.  Which that is a plus.  I don’t do well on tests.  As you can probably tell I don’t do well on research either so far in this book.  Because I haven’t started the research part of it and I feel bad for doing it this way but this is the way I am doing it.  Because you probably heard me say stuff over and over again only in different words.  But there are some aspects that I can’t say enough about.  Like for instance having a good support system is a must.  If you don’t have a good support system please try to find a good councilor or somebody to talk to.  Because that will make a world of difference.  Because the world won’t feel like you’re just sitting still if you don’t have a good support system it will feel like you’re just sitting still with the world going around you so fast you can’t jump back on.  Like a runaway train that is falling off the tracks.  Is what you will feel like.  Even if you find a good counselor you still need to find someone that can try to be your support system.  Even though they may not be a good one.  As least you will have someone.  Like a brother or sister, or like a friend.  Or even someone you work with.  But most of the time that’s probably the category of your good friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something I cannot stand is being criticized over and over again for something I cannot control or being talked about behind my back.  For people that do not know me.  They call me Radar because I can hear people talking about me when they are totally in a different room with no door to separate the rooms.  Sometimes I even hear them clear across the house.  This is driving me insane so much my blood is boiling.  I wish my hearing was not that acute.  Because even some of the common household noises that no one else hears, I hear.  For example, when I really pay attention I hear when the heater kicks on.  When you hit the “On” button for the TV, I can hear that click.  It is getting worse as the TV’s advance.  So please pray for me that I don’t blow up on my supporting caregivers.  Like I did tonight.  So please pray that I have patience with all who I come in contact with and understanding of the circumstances.  Because I have constant issues with my disability getting in the way.  I don’t know if it is because I depend on other people to take care of my daily needs and I don’t have any personal space.  If I had the capability to do for myself what others do for me, I would  not always feel like they are invading my personal space which I know they are not doing.  But that is how I feel at times.  I don’t feel like I can do anything to avoid this situation.    However, this is how I really feel with my whole human existence.  I do not want my family members to put me in an extended care facility even though they may eventually feel a need.  For one thing, I do not think I would survive even a month in that type of facility.   I truly believe this with my whole heart and soul.  So my solution is to only go to an assisted nursing home for two week period at a time.  Then go to one of my family members’ homes for as long as they will have me.  Then go back into the assisted facility for another two weeks.  Repeat this cycle routinely

I do have a sound mind and it does work perfectly but my body is not perfect.  But by that I mean my body has a handicap but my mind does not.  It may have a learning disability but I do not have a mental handicap like some people assume.  For those people that think I am mentally handicapped, I am not.  Those people that think I am mentally handicapped do not know me very well.  All they have to do is get to know me and they realize I am a person just like they are but am trapped in a body that is just like a prison at times.  But more often than not my handicap is a blessing not a prison.  But sometimes it is still like a prison.  But that is mostly my fault.  Because that’s when I drag myself down in the dump.  We all know that place in life is hard to get out of once you get into it.  Once you get into that slump, it is easier to continue to go back.

I hate when people ask me what I think, when they don’t want to really know what I think.  I can tell it by their attitude, but most of the time I tell them what I think anyways.  It makes them as upset as myself for even saying it.  I don’t get mad until later when I realize I shouldn’t have said it to them.  If they really want to know what I thought they shouldn’t ask.  So it’s kind of their own problem and their own fault.  But I feel bad for even mentioning it, and I shouldn’t feel that bad as they brought it on by asking.  I hate when they ask me about money, especially my brothers and sisters not so much parents.  My brothers and sisters aren’t going to listen to me about money.  So why do they ask me when they’re not going to listen to me.  It hasn’t happened in a while so I think that is finally coming to an end.  Or they’re watching me saying “He doesn’t know anything about money” because of the way I spend it.  But I decide to spend it when I have it instead of them they decide to spend it when they don’t have it.  They decide to spend it when they have to use credit or a loan.  If I were to have a credit card, yes I would use it.  But, I would pay it off as soon as I got the bill so it didn’t have a balance and no interest.  Some of my family members besides my Mon and Dad don’t do it that way.  I will follow my parent’s habits.

I hate when people ask for my help and when I ask for help other than the obvious help I need every day they will not help me.  My biggest problem with that is when my parent’s told them they would help them with school.  My parent’s said if you will help Jon out through school, but yet they got out of that because of government assistance programs for the disabled.  Those that weren’t able to hold a job or in the process of going to school because their disability will not allow them to do both.  Because of that program my siblings got out of helping me with school.  That was one of the promises they made to my Mom and Dad.  If my Mom and Dad helped them with the cost of their college education.  So yes guess who gets the short end of the deal?  Me.  And I don’t think just because they didn’t have to help me with college that they should just get out of that deal all together.  I think when I ask for their financial help, they should at least actually try and give it to me.  As you can tell I am kind of the type that holds a grudge.  But I know I shouldn’t be.  But, that it’s one of my faults…what I know I shouldn’t do, I do.  And sometimes I do get mad over little things that I know I shouldn’t get mad at.  But as we all know that’s just part of being a human, and we can’t help it because that’s what we are.  No matter what way we look at it, that’s what we are.  We’re not like dogs or cats or any other animal.  But we’re very unique.  We are humans.  And humans think outside of the box.  And we can solve the problem.  Dogs and other species have problems solving their problems or they can’t solve their problems.  Either way we look at it they aren’t as smart as human beings are.  But we have to give them some credit.  But the truth is we don’t know how much credit to give them.  Sometimes I don’t think we give them enough credit.  But other times I think we give them too much credit but that’s just me.  Sometimes I think it’s who trained them and how good their training is.  I think they have to learn how to be taught how to be smart or how to be brainiacs.  But that goes for humans too so I don’t know what to think.   But I think humans have a much easier time than animals.  And I think humans can watch the other people do things.  In other words they learn by example.  Which I know dogs do to, but they have a lot harder time doing this than a human being does.

You know you affect somebody when you hear some of your own words in their writing.  When you know they would drop everything to come to your needs at a moment’s notice.  Some of these people may not know how to show it.   But, they would do the exact same thing.  They just don’t know how to communicate to you so they talk around you not at you.  Sometimes it gets so frustrating for me but sometimes I have to remember that just because they are talking around me doesn’t mean they don’t care for me.  In fact I think it means more to me that they are talking around me and not just ignoring me.  Even though sometimes I do feel that way and I just want to knock them  upside their head and say “ If you want to talk about me, talk about me to my face, don’t talk around me to your own brother and act like I’m not here because that pisses me off”.   You know something awesome is going to happen when you start something that you don’t think is going to get off the ground, but it slowly rises.  Like a kite taking off in the wind.  Some days your kite will do a real good job and then other days there will be days where it won’t take off at all.   I guess I’m surprised that I am getting hits on my blog from other parts of the world.  The fact is I can never get a real good solid count on who is reading my blog or for that matter whose life I touch, how many times a day I touch that person’s life.  How many times a day somebody thinks of me and gets a smile on their face, because I have touched their life a week ago, a month ago, and so forth.  The truth is I’ve been trying to increase my knowledge base on how to help with the little kids.  My biggest suggestion is trying to get a support system together while they’re little.  Not just for their sake but for your sake too.  If you can find a good psychologist or counselor try to use them to your advantage.  Because they may know some other people that you can put in your support system such as a speech therapist, PT, OT.  The other thing I would suggest is  if you’re a single parent get another family member involved to go to all the appointments because one person may not hear all the information.  You may get information overload and then you can go back and report to your support system on what the doctor said and on what that specialist said.  You won’t have to keep all the people in your support system forever.  You can drop them when you see fit.  However I would always suggest you keep a couple people as your main support system.  Because raising a handicap child is kind of difficult at times.  Other people may say this child can’t do this, but the truth is you don’t know unless you try.  I may have said this before but I don’t know if I have or not.  But, I have overcome lots of challenges and lots of roadblocks that people have put in my path or that they come up because of my disability.  Some of them I enjoy some of them I despise.  Those that I despise I look back and say “those are probably the best ones that I could overcome”, but some of those were some of the hardest things I have ever overcome in my life.

Everybody thinks I’m crazy for talking about somebody without mentioning names.  And they think it’s about them.  But, everybody needs to quit assuming it’s about them. Just read what I put and stop blaming themselves.  Because it’s not about blaming them.  This book is my thoughts and my thoughts matter just as much as everybody else’s.  The truth is I have problems just like everybody else other than my obvious problems.  Like my CP as my obvious problem.  But, I have other problems that I would consider major like I have problems talking to other people about my problems.  But, I have problems going to doctors, psychologists, and counselors.  Probably more than most.  Because I don’t trust doctors or counselors.  I haven’t been to a psychologist that I felt comfortable around talking to and such to talk to about my own problems.  That’s why everybody in my own family assumes that it’s about them.  The truth is there are many other people that I know besides them.  In fact I know so many people that I don’t know who I know and who I don’t, which could be a bad thing or a good thing.  Because I could take you for a stranger if you were walking on the street.  I could know you very well.  But, I just may not be able to place who you are at that moment in time.  So excuse me if I don’t know who you are but don’t recognize who you are.

The truth is I have lots of dreams just like you do.  I may have already said this.  But if I did I’m going to be restating what I already stated before.  It doesn’t matter who you know it matters how well you know that person.  I have several friends that I know and will consider them to be my good friends.  When we get together it’s like we can continue where we left off last.  I know for many of you this may be hard to believe.  But, I also have friends that used to be that way, and are no longer that way.  That’s a shame.  Because at that time of our relationship I swore to myself I would never lose that friend.  Now years have went by and I haven’t talked to any of my friends from high school since I graduated.  Every once in a while, I talk to them on facebook but that’s on their terms.   Kind of like them saying we don’t need you and that’s alright because if they are saying that to me, I say I don’t need them.  I don’t need their trash to clog up my life.  So pretty much all the friends I have now are my past nurses and my church, as well as my family.  Most of the people that are reading this and saying is that me are the ones that care about me the most, and they know me like the back of their hand.  I also know them like the back of my hand.  They are my family.

This book is going to bring up a lot of questions for them, myself, and you the fellow readers.  Like for instance how well you know your God.  How well do you know your family?  My family should have nothing to hide from me, I have nothing to hide from them.  If they are hiding something from me, I can usually figure it out in not to long of a time.

I will probably never get married, I know I shouldn’t say that because never is a long time.  But, the truth is right now at this point in time I don’t want to get married and I won’t get married until I feel like somebody knows me inside and out.  The truth is I shouldn’t say this but I don’t think anybody will take the time get to know me that well.  If they get to know me that well the second requirement is they have to be able to take care of my personal needs as well as love me for me not who they think I should be or any other way, love me for who I am.  They have to appreciate that my God comes right after them if not right before them.  If they want to have kids I’m fine as long as they want me to try.  But, my theory in that is if God wants me to have kids he will allow me to have them if he doesn’t that’s his will and that’s right.  I have the same concept about a wife.  If God wants me to be married he will show me the right girl, it will be the right time, and the right place.  I am not here to do anybody else right, but my God.

I will treat my brothers and sisters with respect to the best of my abilities at that time.  But they have to understand I mess up as well as any other human being will.  I probably mess up more, but I also make up for more than any other person does.  I realize I do stuff wrong every day and I try not to make excuses for it.    Something’s are harder to deal with than others.  I hate to be blunt here and all nasty but how would some you like a finger up your anus every day?  Well that’s just some of what I go through on a daily basis.  Every time I go out of my house I wonder how many people are staring at me?  Like what is he doing, he can’t control his own wheelchair, he probably doesn’t even have his mind.  This is why I’m writing this book to prove to people that I do have a mind that I do have a right to be on this earth.  I might be very blunt in some of what I say but most of what I say is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  Just ask my siblings they will tell you how true that comment is.   Some people don’t truly think I’m going to write a book.  The truth is I started this book a long time ago and never got it done because my computer crashed and I had to start from scratch.  After I lost what I had I thought maybe the book writing wasn’t for me.  But, since I’ve been doing a blog and have been blogging for a while now I realized that writing is for me when fellow bloggers started following me and liking my post it as well went real wide so therefor I know this writing is what I am supposed to be doing.

Many people have said that Heaven is for real, the truth is because it is.  Who else but God himself made the Earth and made people to not image but his image?  We just have to maintain his image.  The hard part about that is where people don’t follow his image, they want to follow free will.  The truth is yes God gave us free will, yes God gave us free will for a reason so that we would know right from wrong and wrong form right.  But, what people don’t realize is that there are many things that could be right and could be wrong.  There are many different ways that we can approach different things.  Many different people don’t go to God and ask him for his guidance.  Many people just do it how they think it should be done and hope it’s the right way.  I’m telling you many times it is the right way but many times it’s just the opposite.  Not wrong or right.  Or it could be very wrong, or very right.  We will never know until we get up to our Savior.   That’s where we have to trust in our Creator just like all of us trust can trust our parents.   But, many of us choose not to and that’s a right out shame.  Because they are just trying to do what’s best for you.  They really do have your best interest at heart.  Just think you couldn’t be put up for adoption or even worse abortion.  Only one of those is the right thing to do and that’s adoption in my eyes.  The other one is just plain out right murder.  Most of the time it isn’t the parents fault that they made that choice to walk into an abortion center.  Most of the time it’s because they were led up to in by that I mean talked into it by somebody else.  So what I am trying to say is don’t blame somebody from getting an abortion because most of the time it’s not truly all their decision.  They may look back on it and they wished they never did that, in fact I know one day probably sooner than later they will that to somebody.  They will probably be trying to talk to somebody out of what they went through eventually.  Because it doesn’t take only the baby’s life it takes a part of the mother too.  So after reading this stand up with me and speak against abortion and in other words murder.  Not for the mother but for the doctors that don’t talk them out of it.  For the doctors that are still in practice, even though they shouldn’t be.  They are sooner or later going to pay for that decision when they have to face our Creator and he is full of kindness and he knows how to be kind, but I think he also knows how to say “ enough is enough is enough”.  There are people that say Hitler’s in Heaven but in my kind heart  and believe me I’m the kindest person you ever met, and in my kind heart there is no beeping way he’s in Heaven.

In fact there are some days I think why am I here?  Then I look at the world and I say it’s because of all the lives I’m going to continue to touch.  I have touched thousands of lives already.  I can’t fathom how many more millions/ trillions it could even go to infinity and beyond on how many people I will have touched.  Even people from other countries.  There are some people that think I’m crazy saying that, but I know it’s the truth.  There are some people that say handicap does change a person’s outlook on life dramatically.  That’s true too.  I can’t fathom to begin to believe how many people are waiting on the other side to welcome me into Heaven.  Yes I said into Heaven.  People are going to stare at this book and say “how do you know that you are already going to heaven?” Because some people just have an instinct.  When you have instinct most of the time and when you follow that instinct you will be right.  Most of the time your instinct won’t lead you on the wrong path.   In fact I found that my instinct lead me to and closer to God.  Because believe it or not at one time I was looking for a way out to speak.  A way out of the faith, a way out of this earth.  But, then I realized I can’t be in my right mind.  When I was thinking those things.  I mean don’t get me wrong there is no right way or wrong way to get to Heaven.  But, when you are considering suicide to get out of this earth you will only obtain a ticket either to purgatory or straight to hell.  I hate to say this, but I know a few people that did turn their life completely around that did deserve a ticket straight to hell.  Now they have turned their life around so they are on the right path.  We can never tell a person what faith to be, how to believe, what to believe, and so forth and so forth.  We can never tell somebody that they are practicing their faith the wrong way, because the truth is it may be the right way for them.   We never know what the right way is for those human beings to practice their faith.  All we can do when they ask for help is to try to help them the best we can or try to lead them to help the best we can.  When we see that they are having difficulties and they don’t ask for help it’s our business to try to help them but if they don’t ask we have to be ready on the sidelines to help them when they do ask for help.  But, don’t try to pry into their personal life and force the help on them because then you will force them further away.  That will do no good.

More about my wishes.  At one time I wanted to be a cop or a fire fighter.  At one time I also wanted to be a person that works on computers.  But pretty soon after I wanted to do two of these things my hope was blown to pieces.  Then about one year after I got out of high school my brother said computers would be a bad idea too.  Because of my eyes.  So then I had to rethink all my lifelong plans and believe me that was hard to swallow.  I then went to being able to work with people such as a counseling degree.  Which I do have a major in but it’s only an associates, I have a bachelor’s degree in organizational leadership in which I am stuck at currently without a job.   Which is hard, because I look at all my friends and family and say “why couldn’t that be me?”  Not that I am jealous in any way because all my siblings wouldn’t be where they’re at today without me.  That’s true the other way around also.  Because I have a really great support system within my family.  My parents are included in that.

My parents have taken and continue to take really good care of us.  In fact we were poor but our parents have an amazing way of making it seem like we weren’t that poor.  To be honest with you, the first time my oldest sister realized that we were poor was when she missed a day of school and the teacher said take this home and watch this video she had to say we didn’t have a VCR.  That was the first time that any of us realized we were poor.

I think all kids do go through a stage where they lie.  I went through that stage forever.  Probably way after I was supposed to be out of it.  But, I was so good at it that I had my teachers convinced that my parents were getting a divorce; that my Dad was staying here with us kids, and that my Mom was moving to New York.   I don’t know how long I had them believing this before they finally called my Mom and said “We heard you are getting a divorce” and she said “oh yeah where are you hearing this from?’  I don’t know how it turned out from there, that’s all I can remember.  But, that was the last time I ever told a lie that big.  I never got the belt but once in my life and I don’t even know what it was for.  I don’t even recall how bad it hurt, but I do remember getting the belt.  I think the worse part of it was when my Dad pulled it out of his belt loops.  That’s the part I remember most from it.  Otherwise I had a pretty easy childhood, a pretty easy life.  In fact I still do.

Believe it or not I do tithes to my religion more than 10%.  But, I don’t tithe it to the church.  I have a child I foster from a foreign country.  Other than that I spend the money I get on myself in fact some of you are probably saying he was a room better than I do.  But, I don’t spend my money frugally.  I try to spend it wisely and when I do spend it frugally which I try not to do very much I try to get out of that stage very quickly.  I do pretty well at it actually.  I do find things to keep me busy.  Like playing on the computer, watching tv or movies, listening to music, and my favorite one of them all is listening to town gossip on my scanner.  But, there’s also a reason for that too.  I am kind of a prayer warrior for my surrounding town’s fire and police department.  So every time they are called out to something dangerous I pray for them.  Unfortunately I live by the hospital so I hear all the care flights go out as well as they go over my house.  Most of the time at night they even wake me up.  Yes I am that in tune with my surroundings.  As I’ve told you before it drives me crazy sometimes, almost to the point of no return.   But yet I always do find a way to return to my sanity.  Or what other people call my crazy life.  I love my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world, even my handicap.

Even though my handicap is kind of the elephant in the room.  It can be my best friend or even sometimes the complete opposite my worst enemy.  I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Because it can be other people’s best friend to or it can be their worst enemy.  But, if it’s their worst enemy they have some major issues to go through too.  If I can help them go through that I will.  In fact if they stay working with me or around me long enough, their attitude will dramatically change.  I know some handicap people can be excuse my language but they can be buttholes or I meant to assholes.  Because they think the world owes them everything.  This world doesn’t owe them everything.  In fact the world doesn’t owe them anything more than you or I.  But, they think the world owes them everything and they are going to try and get it.   Those are the biggest snobbiest people I know.  Because they try to get two apples out of one apple seed, you know what I mean?  One apple seed is not going to furnish two apples.  It’s only going to produce one apple, and maybe if you plant an apple seed it will grow another apple tree.  But, each apple has plenty of seeds in it which you don’t see twin apples.  You only see one apple split up into two apples.  You might see one big apple, never are you going to see apples break into two.  If you didn’t know what I meant, now you do.  It may be the stupidest explanation around but I am not very good at explanations.   That’s why I am not running a dictionary.  I am writing this book so people know what I am going through.

I wasn’t picky when it came to getting through high school.  All I asked for was an elevator and diploma.  There was other people in that school that asked for more material goods, did that get them anywhere?  No.  In fact I don’t even think that person has their diploma to this day.  Look what I have.  I have a college degree.  All I asked for was what I had the right to ask for.  I didn’t ask for anything else but what I had the right to ask for.  Like, they said I didn’t have to take the proficiency but my parents said I will take them.  That I had right to do, low and behold I passed all of them with a 16 which is average.  If some of you don’t know you have to pass those to get a regular diploma.  Otherwise you just get a certificate of attendance.  I wasn’t going through school just to get a certificate of attendance.  I was going there because I knew I could pass high school to get a high school diploma.  Then I was going to try college.  And little did I know college would be a little bit easier but also harder on other pieces of the puzzle.  Such as the fact I didn’t have the same person giving me all of my tests.  In fact all of my tests were given to me by another student.  That you wouldn’t think would be that hard, but for me it was.   Because it was somebody new that I didn’t know and they didn’t know my speech better.  So therefore true and false, and multiple choice were the tests I did most.  The test I passed the most.  If you wanted me to fail all you had to do was give me a fill in the blank test.  In fact there was one there was one class where a professor knew I was getting the subject, but he could tell on the test that I wasn’t getting it down on paper.  He came to me and asked me why.  He more less told me your dad will be giving you your next test.  So he did.  Needless to say I got a better grade than I expected to get in that class.  There were a lot of professors in my college that weren’t just there for their job but for the students.  I think the students mattered to them more than their pay check.  You don’t see very many professors out there that are like that.  In fact you see many professors from many different colleges that you want to stay away from.  But, my college experience was a little bit different.  That could have been for many different reasons.  I won’t go into them.  But, it wasn’t because we were the teacher’s pet.  We had to work our ass off for what we got.  But, as long as they knew we were trying they were going to try their damndest   to help us out with our grade.  As long as they knew we were trying they were not going to fail us.  As soon as they saw we weren’t trying they quit helping us.  They quit helping people that weren’t trying.  Believe you me there is some kids out there that think college is still high school.  I got news for them if they think that way, they are going to fail out of college.  Because there was a time or two I thought I was going to fail out of college.  In fact I thank God every day that I got out of college and passed college when I did, and that I got my degree when I did.  Because there is a part of me that thinks I couldn’t do it if I had to do it again.  But, there is another sided of me that wants to go back.  It might seem weird that I’m saying this but to be around more people and to have a social life.  I do have a social life now but it’s now how I want it to be.  At least when I was at school I had my mind occupied with school work, homework, and my friends.  Now I just have to make up stuff for me to do.  Because the economy and the government won’t allow me to get a job, even though they want me to get a job the stuff they want me to do to get that job they won’t allow me to do.  So here I am stuck writing a book about them which I know part of me says I shouldn’t include this part in the book.  But, there is also part of me that says I should.  Because if I don’t speak out about it and put it in this book nobody will get my message.  And my message is this “Don’t fake out the people that you want to get a job by telling them they have to get a job, make their stuff they have to have to get a job easier than Heaven to get instead of making it harder than Heaven to get the stuff they need why don’t they instead say they will pay the first time and then place a time period on them to wait to get the upgraded technology.  Don’t count the stuff they used in high school as part of the stuff they received.  Make it after they graduate instead of right when they get a piece of technology out of their own pocket.  Or out of the government’s pocket.  However you want to put it.  That’s just one of my pet peeves.  As you will see later I have many pet peeves if you can’t tell that already.” 

  This book is going to be confusing to follow because now I’m going to go to religion.  I think religion is very important as I do my God.  These are not one in the same.  They are close, but they are not the same thing.  You can belong to a religion but I believe you don’t have to believe everything they believe.  Some people would disagree with me.  But, I would like to argue with them that I believe it’s not how you believe it’s what you believe in.  I believe in the same God they believe in.  Only I might believe in him in a different way.  Like I believe in one baptism and one God.  There are some religions out there that believe in several Gods.  You can be baptized at any time you want.  But there’s some religions that are close to mine that only believe in one baptism.  Those are the faiths I like the most, and that I believe in the most.  I don’t know much about any other faith but my own and the one that is most like mine.  Which right now is escaping me.  Any way I believe that baptism can take away your original sins up until that point you are baptized.  Then I believe all you have to do is ask and be really sincere and then your sins will be free again.  But, that’s not what my faith says.

 

My faith says you have to go to confession and tell another human being that is supposedly sitting in for Christ ll your sins since the last time you’ve been to confession.  Then he will say a prayer over you that is called absolution.  You are then forgiven for your sins.   But, I have a hard time with that concept as I imagine many people do.  I would rather pray and be really sincere than go to another human being to commit my life story to.  Which I don’t know if he’s going to keep it a secret or not.  I know he’s supposed to but does he?  Probably but we will never know.  He has made mistakes just like the rest of us.  I don’t know if I can trust them with my sins.  I know I’m supposed to because I know he’s supposed to be God but he doesn’t look like God on that cross suffering for all my sins.  He just looks like a normal human being that I know can make mistakes.  I know he does.   Therefore it’s hard to say all of my sins to him, and it’s hard to be sincere.  So therefore I have a hard time going to confession like I imagine many of you do if you go to confession at all.  Or if you even go to church at all.

 

I know you can believe in anything and not go to church at all, I know you cannot believe in religion and not go to church at all and make it to Heaven just as well as I can.  It’s just that your road may be a little harder and bumpier than my road.  But, I’m not saying that you can’t do it and nobody else should say it either because that would be judging.  We are not supposed to judge but there are some people on this Earth that don’t believe in anything.  They only believe in their life is done when it’s done.   They begin life as fast as it they are going to end.  That’s a shame to them.  It’s like they don’t have anything to look forward to.  They don’t see any point in life.  You can tell it in their attitude.  If you know what I mean.  If you don’t know what I mean here’s an example:  They walk around like they have a big chip on their shoulder and they don’t care that it’s there.  If they have family and kids they only care about their family and kids.  They don’t care about the other people in their community or ignore the people that are all around them that they sometimes work for.  That is no way to be especially if you want to maintain and keep a job not just get fired all of the time.  Yeah, if you have an attitude like that you’re probably going to get fired all the time and looking for a new job all the time, or be working some place like Walmart or Kmart where most of the time you are by yourself.  Those are not very high paying beneficial jobs so you may have to work many of those jobs to get somewhere in life.  Excuse me if you’re walking around with a big chip on your shoulder excuse me but you deserve that kind of life.  I am not one to judge very quickly but that is another pet peeve of mine because there are people that want a job and can do your job well but are stuck because you are in their position or the person that has the big chip on their shoulder has their position.  If you want a job you have to maintain a good attitude.   Most of the time a good attitude does not include having a big chip on your shoulder of being a self-centered bitch.   But that’s just one person’s opinion.  Take it for what it’s worth.

Conversion is a lifelong process

There are many conversions we all have to go through in in life.  Such as a death of a loved one, Such as another loved one going and joining another faith, your faith is a lifelong process and you may have many turns and many different curves come up.

Addiction

Such as a person on drugs in your family.

Such as a school that doesn’t teach religion

-Many schools don’t teach religion in fact you have to go to certain schools for your own specific religion.  Many parents can’t afford this that to why they are sending their child to public schools.  Which don’t teach them religion all because of the separation between church and state or something like that.  Many people don’t want to switch religions, because they are used to that.  That is what their family does.

But what is wrong with it?

Many people don’t want to make their family upset.  But their family doesn’t realize what faith you choose, they are all going to get into Heaven.  Maybe some faiths will have a different road but they are all going to get into Heaven.

So what does that mean?

It means you should go with your heart and not with what just your mind says.  If you want to go to a different religion because you think it’s better for you, why not?  Because after all it’s about you, your life is about you.  It’s not about what other people think.  It’s about you after all, it’s not about what other people think.  It’s just about you.  You have to remember that. More religions are coming out with classes you have to take to become that religion

Like my religion is called RCIA, which just means adult education for my religion.  But, some religions are called different things.  It doesn’t matter.  It all boils down to its just classes to understand the religion in which you are joining.  If they don’t have this sort of thing it’s a shame.  In fact people that are acquiring about different religions should have to research that religion before committing to it.

For their own personal needs

When you are faith searching you are not that committed to your creator.  All that leads to unhappiness.  Trust me, because I’ve been there before in my faith journey.  All that leads to unhappiness again.  So my conclusion to this PowerPoint is to not push anybody to be a certain faith unless you know your own faith inside and out.  The truth is nobody is that secure in their religion to tell people what faith they are to be.  So what I’m saying is don’t try to keep people from going to other faiths.  Don’t try to keep people in your same faith if they don’t want to be.  If you’re not happy with your religion, try searching for a a different church first before you go faith searching.  Because faith searching takes a lot out of you.  When you feel like you’re not committed to one faith, you’re not that committed to your creator.

Do you really know your bible, or do you only know parts of your bible that the priest/pastor has taught?

When you only know half of the bible it’s like only knowing half of your Lord.  Do you really only  want to know half of your Lord?  Or do you want to know every piece of him?  I would think you would want to know every piece of him.  Like want to.  It’s really important to know the whole bible not just parts of it.

Fishing, my saying that I love so much is:

If you give somebody a fish you fixed them by a meal, if you teach them how to fish you feed them for a lifetime.  In fact I would rather feed somebody for a lifetime than just one meal.  I think that would be what my God wants me to do.

Wouldn’t that be want what you wanted to do, or what would you want to do?  Would you want to do the just thing?

I would want to do the just thing.  But, I know several people that wouldn’t do the just thing.  But, I also know several people on the other end that work their tails of literally.  I mean I know some people don’t sit down from dawn to dusk such as farmers.  I think all farmers are God born Christians their entire life.  Some of them have been working in the business since they were 16 yrs. old or old enough to help their parents do the housework.

Here we go jumping around again.  But in my family we had to know what we wanted and say what we wanted, otherwise it wouldn’t get done.  I am not to good at that still, in fact I don’t think I am ever going to be good at that.  Because it’s not in my personality.  Because my personality is completely different than everybody else.  I am not worried about by myself.  I worry about other people to much, and what I say what I think they want me to say.  I know this is a bad habit and I am trying to break it.  But, just the day before yesterday my sister brought up to me that I should say what I want to say not what I think they want to hear.  But, when you have such a caring personality sometimes you don’t even realize it.  I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Another thing is because of my disability I don’t say please and thank you as much as I should.   The thing that I want would be an automatic thing that they would do for themselves.  So I don’t think I should say please and thank you for an automatic thing they would get up and do their self.  Such as getting up to get a drink, I have to ask for this stuff.  Also this is going to be kind of gross but I have to ask them to change me.  Yes I do know when I have to go, but because sometimes I can’t get there fast enough I have to wear depends.  Believe me that sucks.  Because then you go through the whole issue of who is paying for those depends, do I pay for them out of my own pocket?  Does the government?  So far it’s been a little bit of both.  When I run out my parents have to get a box of depends off the internet.  Yes they are expensive.  Just like any other medical supplies they are expensive.  Just like yesterday I went in for a routine tube change that is considered a surgery.  Unfortunately I have to do that every six months.  But, as of yesterday the doctor said if he can find the stuff and get it to us he would let us do it so that’s the way we are going to try and go.  In fact I think we already got a mickey tube coming off line.  I know there are places that sell them.  Because I hear of other handicap people putting them in their self.  I know there is a way that we can get them, but we don’t know that way yet other than good old ebay.  Then you don’t know how safe that is, but thank God it’s not a terrible procedure.  Because once it goes into your stomach your stomach is not sterile so therefore it doesn’t have to be a sterile environment you just want to make sure your hands are clean when you do it.  That kind of basic stuff.  The same thing he said to me, it may not be basic to you.  But another thing is if you have somebody with a handicap you learn everything you can do by yourself.  So you don’t have to go into a doctor’s office so often because that can get kind of pricey.  Especially now a days.   So my suggestion to you is to learn to take care of the easy stuff yourself if the doctor will teach you.  Because it will end up saving you thousands of dollars in the long run.  It may even save them from making a mistake like they did on me, not on me this time but the last time.  They didn’t put saline water in the balloon so it gradually deflated overnight.  At that time I was going down to Miami Valley hospital for a doctor.  So I had to go their emergency room.  At that time they said it would close up within two hours.  The doctor I saw yesterday said I had at least four hours.  Don’t quote me on that because some things can grow faster and some slower it just depends on the person.  That is something I never want to happen to me, because I would never want to go through that whole surgery again.  Just the surgery to put it in is a simple surgery but the surgery to place the tube in the stomach is a totally different surgery.  Yeah it is the same surgery but it has a lot more involved.  I can handle the surgery to replace it in fact I don’t consider this surgery.  I consider this something you guys can accomplish if you had a tube ready to put in.  Which says a lot about my parents.  Which some of my doctors in Dayton let my mom and dad take care of me all they could legally.  Because they say they know me better.  To be honest with you whenever I go to the hospital I go to the hospital because I have no other options.  So basically if I stay home I am going to have a hard time surviving without antibiotics.  I need antibiotics just to get better most of the time.  They are not just antibiotics I take by mouth, a lot of times these antibiotics are given by IV.  But it doesn’t help any that I don’t like hospitals to begin with.  Because when I go into hospitals I usually can’t sleep for like the first 24 hrs.  But, I am getting better at that.  That could be bad or good.  I used to not be able to sleep nowhere but on my own bed.  Now that I spent nine long months in a hospital I have no problems sleeping in a strange bed.  Because when I was at the hospital it was either sleep or don’t sleep and I couldn’t go nine months without sleep but the first weak was a bear.  Even worse than the whole nine months.  Because I couldn’t get to sleep no matter what.  In fact people were begging me to go to sleep.  I could easily do it during the day but not at night.    Even then there were sometimes I wouldn’t go to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up again.  That was the first time that I ever really confronted that were not going to be here forever.  So now I live for today.  I live for the moment, I live for the hour, I don’t live for tomorrow.  I live like today is going to be my last day, I do make plans for tomorrow but they are just plans.

Now I am going to tell you something that I am having a hard time dealing with.  I imagine everybody in a similar situation as mine would have the same thing happen to them.  One of my best friends that took me for who I really was and saw the true me didn’t hold the wheelchair against me.  In fact he saw my wheelchair as a part of me, which is hard for a lot of people to do.  He was on some meds for bipolar and depression.  Something made him say “ I don’t need this anymore” and please don’t ever do that.  Because it could end up in a similar situation just like I’m telling you now.    Several years ago my friend committed suicide.  Still to this day, I have been impacted in him committing suicide.  Something’s are good and something’s are bad.  Like every time I hear someone committed suicide I automatically think of him.  But, without him I don’t want to say without him but without him doing it I don’t want to say it was a good thing but without him doing what he did I don’t think I would be where I am today writing this book, being a college graduate which is the greatest and I want to go back for me but I haven’t got the courage to go back.  I know I should go back, but I have a feeling if I do I will be stuck in the same spot I am now and not be able to have all of these degree’s and not be able to put it to use.  I don’t think it’s fair to you guys as taxpayers to pay my way.  But, I also know if I go back that’s what is going to happen.  But anyway he was the reason why I got into the field I am in counseling, and then organizational leadership.  Because I found out counseling you couldn’t really get anywhere without a masters and to get my masters I would have to go to Dayton.  I can’t travel to Dayton every day for classes and I cannot stay there in a dorm with people that help me get dressed and stuff like that.  Because I wouldn’t know if they were going to show up to do their job or not.  I couldn’t grab the phone and ask them either.  So if they didn’t show up I would be in a world of hurt.  That is why I switched my majors to be able to get it done locally and thank God I did, because I met some of the nicest people that I know through college.  In fact I think I already told you this but in fact college was even easier than high school.  I was a C student in high school and when I got out of high school I went into college and my grades improved drastically.  I don’t know what that was because of.  But, I ended up with a 3.22 grade point average which my brother and sisters are jealous of because they didn’t do that good.

So therefore they are happy for me but they’re jealous of my accomplishment at the same time.  But that’s part of the reason why I graduated with no debt to my name.  Believe me that is hard to do graduating with no debt to my name that is.  I was thinking I would have a little bit of money to pay back.  But that also showed people that staying close to home really paid off.  Because if I would have went to Wright States main campus I would have room and board on top of my tuition.  Which one government agency said I would have to pay for it myself.  I would have the option of using my tuition or using them to pay my tuition or paying my room and board but thank God I never had to make that decision.  Thank God I found something I would like to do and think I would be good at kind of fits within my train of thoughts to begin with to have my profession I still think one of these days I’m going to become a professional speaker.  This book is just a starting up point.  Hopefully one of these days that dream will come true.  I do have a lot to say to the public.  But figuring out how to say it is going to be the hardest problem.  Because with my speech and my volume problem I think I might run into some issues.  But if I had this book to fall back on to kind of lead me on where to go and how to go I know I will have to leave some parts out for schools and stuff because our government is stupid and won’t allow religion into our schools.  Which is by the way I think ridiculous.  It kind of upsets me but as you will learn later in the book government is kind of one of things that upsets me too.  It is one of the things that’s one of my passions too.  Because I love diving into stuff such as how government works.  How the Supreme Court works.  Which I know some of from my high school days but am going to have to research it more because I’m sure I forgot some things about it to.  I honestly enjoy but hardly ever listen to it is watching how the stock market is doing.  So you can see I have a lot of love for business.  And would love to start my own business someday.  In fact I kind of hope to before you even hear the title of this book get on the shelves, but I don’t know if I will get that far.  I have a love for helping people in need.  Such as helping people in natural disasters, or helping people that need help in third world countries whom don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  I love helping some of the women shelters in my local area.  I want to start volunteering at a Goodwill but that’s one of my goals I hope to accomplish before this book comes out.  But I don’t know if I will get that done either.  So as you see I have a lot of great intentions but don’t follow through which hopefully will get better by doing this book.  But being this is my fifth attempt at this book and hoping it will be my last attempt at this book.  I don’t my luck changing any time soon other than getting this book out.  Even though I do have one reason I want to get this book out.  Because I want to give people encouragement and try to keep people from committing suicide because they couldn’t get help.  If I change one persons life that would be good enough for me.  If I keep changing peoples lives like I’m doing now already that would be even more encouraging.  That I would have to keep writing books.  So after this book is out, I am not going to be one of those authors that don’t want to receive contact from my readers.  I want to receive contact from my readers so I know where I should go with my next book.  Because after I get this book out I want to keep writing not for financial purposes either.  So people can learn from what I have to say.  People have some good readings out there to read.  I know people already have good readings out there to read, but most are not true stories.  Mine is as true as true can get.  In fact I am going to tell you those true stories now.  One day I was walking around Kmart and my sister was carrying me and I was resting my head on her shoulder.  We got up to the cashier and the cashier said “is the little boy tired?” I said no Bitch!  Then she said “what did he say?” my sister said “oh he just said yeah”.  As we were walking away I said you “fucking bitch” again.  So as you can tell I have a very foul mouth on me.  But that is because sometimes if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it through my day or my handicap.  Because people like to discriminate against me, people like to ignore me like I’m not even there when I am truly sitting in a chair.  They like to ignore me like they don’t even see the chair or the person sitting it.  I’ve probably already said this to you once, it’s one of my pet peeves and you will probably keep hearing it over and over again.  Because it is one of my highest pet peeves.  That alone is the quickest way to piss me off.  Just pretend like I’m not even there The other one is knowing that I’ there and just talking around, that will really piss me off and very quickly.  So one of my things I’m going to tell you is talk to a handicap person just like you would talk to a regular person even if you don’t know if they can comprehend or not.  It will probably make their mom or dad or whoever is with them day or even their week.  They may even say something to you like oh my God that’s the first time somebody has ever treated my daughter with respect or something like that.  Have you ever been told it takes some respect to receive some respect?  So the next time you want to be treated with respect just remember that, it takes some to receive some.  Or sometimes it just takes respect to change somebody’s attitude for that day.  You might change their mood from a bad mood to a good mood for the rest of that day or a couple days.  You never know in this world how many lives you’re going to affect.  But just doing one simple thing and another simple thing you can do is smile.  You know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  So why don’t more people smile it would probably hurt their face less.  It will change their attitude and people can tell your smiling in your voice when you’re on your phone.  That is a proven fact.

I don’t know how to do what my brother wants me to do.  He said his wife told him that if I needed her to she would sign up and do a walk with me.  I haven’t told you this organization yet.  It’s called Canine Companions for Independence.  They can help any person with a disability either mental or physical.  Yes it’s just like a Seeing Eye dog.  In fact they even do classes for that too.  But mostly what I have is I canine for Independence which can help me pick up stuff as well as retrieve things for me.  Some dogs can even pull their chairs.  But you have to have the hand strength to hold onto a handle while the dog pulls you along.  Plus I don’t have that hand strength.  So I wasn’t taught how to use that command.  But to be honest with you if I ever got the hand strength and I wanted to learn that command I would teach my dog until it knew that command in the back of his head.  Because I was doing a training exercise with him this weekend.    I was surprised but he was able to remember because they were some of the commands I don’t use at all.  But once he got it in his head it was like riding a bike never forgetting how.  I am glad I got him, I got a dog from this organization.  As I have told you before they do other kinds of stuff.  Like hearing dogs.  Where if they hear a sound that you can’t hear they come and get you.  Or if they hear a phone ring they will do another type of alert.  If they hear a door bell they will go to the doorway and sit.  If they hear the door knock, they go to the door and scratch at it.  One of the most important things is if they hear fire alarms, they can also alert you to that.  But I don’t know much about those dogs, because they separate us out into individual classes.  So that’s why I don’t know much about those type of dogs.   But I do know they are a very expensive organization to run.  It is all done by a nonprofit organization.  So in another words it’s all done by you and myself donating.  So if at all possible when you read this, give it some thought and maybe possibly donate.  I have a lot of organizations I can tell you about and talk about.  One of the organizations in my town is called Family Resources.  They help with anything from personal hygiene care products to getting wheelchairs including getting a handicap accessible van to making your house as handicap accessible as it can be within their means.  Which not very many people have a company that supports handicap people, but I know of one family that had their whole house built just because where their dad worked was that generous.  Like I said I have only heard of a company doing that once.  It was kind of like doing make a wish but they didn’t have to have apply to make a wish.  Which is another organization I want to discuss.  I don’t know much about it.  I do know you have to be a kid to enter it.  So you have to know about it early which I unfortunately didn’t hear about it until I was older.  By the time I looked it up it was already too late for me to apply.  So what I’m telling you is to apply for everything you know about when you know about it, don’t wait as you may not be able to get that application.  The longer you wait they may have a waiting list you have to be on for several years.  Some churches may be able to help, it depends on what denomination you are and  on how willing the congregation   is able to help you.  Every once in a while you might get a job that is flexible around appointments but I doubt it.  I was lucky when I was in school.  I had appointments my mom worked nights.  She was able to take me to my appointments.  But like I said I don’t know many employers where I could do that unless you have flex time, which a lot of places are offering now.  But I am kind of out the loop and I wish I was in the loop more.  But, that’s because I don’t have a job and I wish I had a job already if you’ve been reading and can comprehend anything in my book.  I don’t want to sound rude there but I may have come off rude.  I know I don’t need to apologize because it’s my book and I can do whatever I want.  But my feelings are I need to apologize because it’s the right thing to do.

  I don’t know much about this person but she has been mentioned to me a lot.  She has a couple books out herself.  Her name is Joni Eareckson Tada.  I heard about her several times.  When I just nearly forgot her I remember her for some reason.  I think this time it’s because she has an origination that gives to the poor in other countries.  She also gives wheelchairs to the handicap in other countries that otherwise can’t afford it.  She is doing what I eventually hope to do.  That is help needy people that have a handicap from other countries.  Not from America.  I’m not trying to be racist or anything like that.  I just think the needy in America can learn to help themselves.  The ones that can’t need to go back to where they came from.  But that’s just my opinion.  Don’t hold it against me.  Just because I am handicapped everybody thinks I always have to be nice.  That’s the wrong conclusion not every handicap person is nice.  I am tired of every person making excuses for me and making assumptions about me when they are unfounded and they have no reason to make a conclusion about me.  That’s why I like Joni Eareckson so much because she has never let a neck injury stop her.  In fact it drew her closer to God.  Which a lot of people don’t think can happen.  But I am telling you a disability can draw you closer to god and it will.  Hopefully this book will do that.  Not just for one person but for several people.  I am not going for countries I am going for being able to impact nations.  This might take me a while but I will do it in my lifetime.  If not in my lifetime I will leave enough info that other people can do it, even though I’ve passed.  My brain is not made for just sitting in a chair.  My brain was made to be used.  My brain has not been impacted by my disability as I may have already told you.  Just my body but now my mind.  As the title of the book which should lead you to think my brain isn’t just mush.  There is something in there and I am going to use it to the best of my ability.

 

Now I am going to talk to you about school systems.  This one is hard because you don’t want to ask to much or ask too little and not get what you need.  But it’s kind of hard when you don’t know how much your kid can comprehend.  So that’s where the school system should do their part and test your child.  The way school sytems are now but in a way if you know they know more and you think the school system is trying to cut corners don’t let them do that because they tried to do that with me and I wouldn’t have a college education if my mom and dad wouldn’t have pushed them so hard.  Like they tried to tell me I think I told you this before.  But they tried to tell me I didn’t have to take proficiency test but my parents insisted on me taking them.  I am glad they did.  Because without passing the proficiency test I would have just got a certificate of attendance.  Which would have met I wouldn’t have been able to go to college which I really wanted to do.  I know one of these days I want to go back and shove that degree in their face.  Because I think I’m the only one that was in the specialized classes that got a degree.  That got a college degree.  But, I would kind of blame it on the school system because if they didn’t think the kid could do something they didn’t make them try very hard, and I don’t think they are trying very hard.  Like right now where they have no child left behind.  I don’t know quite what that means.  But I am kind of glad they have that in the school system because every child will know how to read now and at least in some form to the best of their ability.  I can’t read and I think it was because when I was capable of learning how to read they didn’t take the time or the effort to teach me how to read, but even then I don’t know that I could read.  I don’t know when they actually stopped teaching me how to read but I think they should’ve taught me where I was at until the day I was out of school.  They should’ve hired a teacher one on one for me or at least given me a tutor one on one for me.  At least until I could learn how to do my sight words.  Now the only way I can kind of read is by hearing the word then saying the word.  Kind of like closed captioning but I like to leave the volume on.  But even then it sometimes they go too slow or too fast and they are behind or ahead.  One of the two.  I don’t know how to fix that either besides the closed captioning people and I don’t know who they are.  I can pick some words out of a list after I know what the first letter is but other than that I can’t even spell.  So in another words don’t ask me to spell something and don’t expect me to know it unless you know the first couple letters and then give me a couple options to pick form there I can then tell you which one it is.  But I am basically telling you don’t give up on your kid when you know they can doing something better than the school is allowing them.  Because they are doing a disservice to you and your child.  And to the rest of the community.  I understand that sometimes people get burned out, but don’t let yourself get burned out take a couple moments for yourself every now and then.  Even if it’s just 5 minutes here and there it is better than nothing.  Because I know a lot of you are divorced parents.  Which that has to be hard.  I don’t know how my parents did it let alone divorced parents.  Not saying you can’t do it, just saying good luck the forces are against you.  So good luck again.  Because even when a disabled kid has both parents it’s hard.  In fact that’s one of the causes of a divorce….a disabled child.  Because they get into fights about their child.  They finally say that’s it but if you get a divorce because of the disabled child don’t get a divorce because the child will still be there no matter what, no matter whether you’re together or apart.  The only difference is your living situation.  That may be hard to look at the other person daily, but just remember this is what God chose for you.  This is what God chose for your family.  You just have to choose how you’re going to accept it.  I don’t know how to tell you to accept it.  But I can tell you this, it’s going to be hard for both of you and that disable child may be even some other children.  Because fighting over that disabled child isn’t going to go away.  That child isn’t going to go away.  So you might as well just try staying together and just try to work it out.  It may be hard now and it may be hard for a while, but it promise you if you are getting a divorce only because of that child and that child knows it that child is going to hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life.  I don’t know this for a fact but I know divorces are hard on everyone.  But a divorce is twice as hard if your handicap than if you’re not.  Because then you wonder who is going to be taking care of you, whether your being fed or beaten.  That may be true for you and that may be what your child is thinking too.  In fact I don’t want to get in people’s heads here but I think if I were in that situation that is what I would think.  In fact on another subject if you have the means and the patience to keep your child at home, don’t put them in a nursing home or a group home.  The best care you can give somebody that is handicapped is to keep them at home.  There you can actually keep an eye on them and know exactly where and when things happen.  In a nursing home you never know what is going to happen.  A lot of bad things happen even some neglect.  When you’re handicap a lot of things can be considered neglect that are not really neglect in a home but is basically considered neglect in a nursing home.  I don’t know what all of those are.  But hopefully when I get later on this book you will find out not by me but by one of my co-authors.  That has been around a lot more than I have in a nursing home and out of the nursing home.  All that kind of stuff.  She can probably tell you what is considered neglect and what’s not.  She can look it up a lot easier than I can and get her hands on a lot more information than I can.  She can tell you more about each handicap then I can.

On another subject though, that’s why I said I have a great support system.  Because I have one PTA and one PTA assistant in my family.  I also have two massage therapists.  They will do anything for me all I have to do is ask.  Sometimes I do but most of the time I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask.  In fact I find it a lot easier to work with other therapists that I go to outside of my house once a week to an outpatient clinic.  Sometimes they help me and sometimes they don’t.  But the latest thing that I have found out that helps me is acupuncture.  I know a lot of people can’t take even the sight of needles.  Which is how I thought I would be.  But I am not that way at all.  I am actually going there once a week now.  You won’t probably like this too but I like anything to make me better.  That’s been helping me when I get in a real rut.  What I said earlier in this book is really came home to haunt me.  I have to learn to stay out of my parents fights and not get involved.  You probably know if you are currently thinking about divorce if your kids are verbal they can’t stay out of it.  Doesn’t’ that make it ten times worse?  Even if your kid’s nonverbal they hear you fighting and they get agitated.  Especially if it’s over them.   But one of my biggest pet peeves is when my parents talk about money to me.  They say they don’t have enough, one parent says they don’t have enough and then I go talking to the other parent and they say something else.  It just ends up in a vicious circle and it’s now one I’m in the middle of.  And no whole to get out of it.   I hate that feeling.  So that’s why I tried to tell you to stick it out but I know sometimes that kind of be impossible.  That’s quiet alright.  Don’t be offended if your loved one takes sides.  Because most kids will, most adults will to.  If they are not out of college yet, if they are out of college they kind of know not to take sides but it’s still hard not to take sides.  You are probably asking me how do I know this.  Because I have been around a lot of people a lot of kids I should say that have been involved in a divorce.  In fact I don’t know if I have told you already but counseling was one of my first desires for a career.  But then I came into some road blocks that I could’ve overcame but I chose not to.  They were requiring too much, not just out of me but out of my parents.  The degree I got is the next best degree I could have.  I don’t have to take any state exams/boards.  Which that is a plus.  I don’t do well on tests.  As you can probably tell I don’t do well on research either so far in this book.  Because I haven’t started the research part of it and I feel bad for doing it this way but this is the way I am doing it.  Because you probably heard me say stuff over and over again only in different words.  But there are some aspects that I can’t say enough about.  Like for instance having a good support system is a must.  If you don’t have a good support system please try to find a good councilor or somebody to talk to.  Because that will make a world of difference.  Because the world won’t feel like you’re just sitting still if you don’t have a good support system it will feel like you’re just sitting still with the world going around you so fast you can’t jump back on.  Like a runaway train that is falling off the tracks.  Is what you will feel like.  Even if you find a good counselor you still need to find someone that can try to be your support system.  Even though they may not be a good one.  As least you will have someone.  Like a brother or sister, or like a friend.  Or even someone you work with.  But most of the time that’s probably the category of your good friend.